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What I Did Today

By David Packman

Well, I spent the day today writing my last post for this site.

No, I?m not quitting...

My "last post" is a post that I?ve postdated in case something were to happen to me. I wrote it just in case the people who think I should be arrested, or worse, for what I write finally follow through with that desire. I wrote a post and postdated it so that if I don?t update the site in a certain period of time that post will get published without my intervention. It's sort of my own eulogy and last word from the grave, so to speak.

You, dear reader, may think that's a bit much, you may not think I should feel so threatened, but I do, and I think have good cause for doing so... and an earlier comment thread got me to thinking about what would happen if I was silenced.

See, there isn?t much to stop them from doing something to shut me up, it?s not like they ever had to worry about being held accountable for abusing people so far, and it?s not like anyone in Seattle has bothered to speak out against their vocal desire to have me silenced... and they?ve made their desire to do that very apparent.

Besides, they?ve already proved that they were willing to torture me and keep me imprisoned even after they knew I did nothing wrong last year, so it stands to reason they would have no problem doing it again. So, you see, there isn?t much incentive to prevent them from doing what they said they would like to, is there? So, for me at least, it?s only logical to accept that there is a strong possibility some cop somewhere will make good on the threats to shut me up for good.

I?m not really afraid, so to speak, more worried about my family than myself. The police have already tortured me and falsely imprisoned me once, so it?s not an unknown experience to me now, and we always fear the unknown more than the known. Whether the torture continues in my nightmares and waking daydreams or in reality seems moot and indistinct at times anyways.

(A police horse just whinnied loudly outside, how fitting.)

Sure, they could kill me as some have already said they would like to do. But, in the end, there isn?t anything I can do to stop that from happening but just accept it as a possibility. So, I?ve been looking into more life insurance and I just figure that at least if they killed me it would finally end those endless headaches and nightmares I have from my mistreatment at their hands, at least since I can't afford the rehabilitation I need because of that experience anyway. Fatalistic, I know, but so long as my death would still provides for those I?m responsible for then there isn?t much else I can do about it. I love living, so don?t get the wrong idea, I?d never take my own life? but I don?t love it so much that I would stop being true to myself in order to live it.

That brings me to the reason why I keep at something that is so dangerous and has only rewarded me by earning me the hatred and disdain of this entire city.

I do it because it is my right to speak out about something I see as being wrong and if that is something that they can so easily take away from me then I?m no longer a free man anyway, might as well lock me up too. I do it because I know that what I?m trying to do is the right thing to do, I am speaking out against wrongs done that everyone else has given up on speaking out against. And I know that what I?m doing is helping people who were hurt like I was.

See, I would no longer be me, I could no longer look at myself in the mirror, if I stopped just because some bullies threatened me or insisted I was not free to say what I believe to be true. Such threats never stopped me in the past, I won't let it stop me now. Such people need to learn that threats and abuse won?t solve their problems, and my giving up would only teach them otherwise.

So? if you see that I?ve stopped posting for awhile? look for that final post. I can only hope that in my absence my voice would finally speak loudly enough for someone to hear it when my own voice was merely lost in the wilderness with me while I was still here to use it.

Full post as published by Injustice in Seattle on June 24, 2008 (boomark / email).