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My Space

By Anonymous

I want to write about how this week of adjustments is going for the three of us, but first I feel a need to talk about my goals and guidelines for this blog. I started Lag Liv in November of 2006 to chronicle my journey as a hopefully pregnant law student. It quickly turned into more than just observations and became a diary, sounding board, and eventually a lifeline throughout Landon's rocky first year of life. Writing these posts is an important and almost essential part of my day. When something is bothering me I find myself automatically thinking in paragraph form, ordering my thoughts and planning out how I'll address the issue here, and somewhere in that cycle of writing, deleting, and writing some more, I often find peace. It's not so much the comments, though I love them, it's the process of rationalizing through the irrational and getting to the bottom of my feelings that makes my world clearer by the time I press Publish. I try not to think much about how many people read it or what the people who know me in real life might think of what I've said. It's my space to write about everything from the superficial to the deep and difficult.

The occasional soul-baring requires honesty. I don't mind being honest. Nothing in life is black and white and as much as I'm sure I want to work, that doesn't mean I don't think about the alternative. I want to be able to admit my doubts without having to defend my continued status as a working mom. I want to be able to write about a late night at the office or a project that is time-consuming but thrilling without having to reiterate my love for my son. I teared up as I left daycare this morning, Landon had sobbed when I set him down, and walking out the door was so hard. I thought about how I wanted to write about that and then I thought about a comment on an earlier post about working where the person told me the reassurance I wanted shouldn't come from a blog and added that "This is a lifelong decsion, everything he will become rests on it. Choose wisely." At the time I wasn't looking for reassurance, I was just talking about my thoughts before starting my job. I'm not really looking for reassurance now either, I still know this is the right choice for us, I just want to be honest about the fact that it's hard. Every day is not perfect. I may love my job (and I do) and Landon may be happy at daycare (and I have the video footage to prove it), but I spent 20 minutes in traffic this morning wondering whether I was doing the right thing. I'm probably going to wonder that frequently and I want to be able to talk about it.

And I'm going to. And I'm going to delete any overly negative or cruel comment about it. This is my forum and despite what some people think the Constitution guarantees them, there is no freedom of speech here (this has become my pet peeve since attending law school, the Bill of Rights protects you from the government, not individuals). It's not even so much for myself, but because there are other working moms who come here and I'd like to have an online space that avoids some of the nastiness that abounds in most working mother websites. I've been blessed with a wonderful community of readers and I welcome your comments, both those that agree and passionately disagree with what I've written, I'm just certain there's a way to phrase anything with a bit of respect.

And now with all that said, I have to admit that today was really hard. Dropping off Landon as a baby was easy for me. I loved his snuggly self, but truly, he was happy to snuggle with anyone and I know Maya held him for much of the day. He slept the vast majority of the time he was with her and even though on some level he knew I was mom, it wasn't like he was watching the door for my return. Now he is a real, mini person with emotions and attachments and he actively misses me when I'm not there. He started crying as soon as we walked in the building today. I stayed in the room for a little bit and he started smiling as he pointed out all his new toys (pointing is his new favorite thing, he does it with such conviction, even though most of the time he's not pointing at anything in particular). I could tell he was comfortable there and he smiled at his teacher several times. I set him down at the table for his breakfast and he screamed. The teacher picked him up and I asked if it was better for me to stay or leave, and she said to leave but stop and wave goodbye at the window. I thought that would make things worse, but he calmed down some and then I hugged the wall and peaked back in the room 15 seconds later to find him sitting in his mini chair at the mini table awaiting his biscuit with a look of excited expectation on his face.

So I guess what I'm saying is that I love my son, love him like I can't explain or fully comprehend. But I also want to work and enjoy my time in my office. I'm proud of my job, proud that I'm providing for my family, and proud that JP can follow his own dreams because he knows the mortgage will be paid. Today Landon's teacher report said: "Landon is doing awesome in our class - very smiley! He is a lunchtime pro - always ready to eat! He loves to push around the cars outside and shares very well with classmates. He is adjusting perfectly." We're all adjusting. Some days are going to go better than others, and I look forward to sharing the ups and downs of our journey with you all.

Full post as published by Lag Liv on September 11, 2008 (boomark / email).