Human Rights Law

Listen To You, Listen To Her

By Alexa

So you think you're a good listener? Maybe you are. But I'll ask you this: Do you listen to yourself? This, I know, isn't always the easiest thing to do. All your waking hours are filled with a cacophony of sound, as well as your own thoughts, the internal dialogue we all engage in (nope, it doesn't mean you're schizophrenic; conversely, these inner voices are only thoughts we don't express verbally, and often can't or shouldn't, but they are no less valid than anything else we feel). Very often, we actively seek to minimize the distractions.

I'm often distracted by my querido sobrino, almost 2 years now, whose growing vocabulary and developing verbalizations enchant me. Watching my Jamie point to a person or object and say "dat, nena?" is like candy to my soul. I'll drop whatever I'm doing, if possible, to introduce him to "dat" person or tell him what "dat" is and why little fingers don't go in dat cable outlet or si, dat smells nice or dat tastes good. Distraction is a fact of life. I'm blessed to have my peanut butter pal hablar at me all day, but it may be work, or it may be school, or it may be something different. Our busy lifestyles don't allow for a lot of introspection.

Even if you don't have a little chatterbox in the house, making time to listen to yourself is a survival skill. Yep. I said survival skill. Your own instincts might well save your life one day. Think about it, mi'ja. They've served you well so far, no? Ever had a weird, uncomfortable feeling and changed your plans to avoid it? Maybe you felt uneasy about a person, and you got yourself away.

What's the worst thing that can happen from listening to your instincts? You feel a little foolish afterward? I know. But what's the worst thing that can happen when you ignore your own intuition?

This, you don't want to know. I pray you never find out.

To listen to others well requires that you listen to yourself.
Trust your instincts.
Listen to them. Follow them. It's easier to follow them and apologize later, than risk putting yourself in harm's way now.

Have you ever had the gut feeling that you should take a different way home from work, only to learn later that there was a tragic accident that occurred on your usual route home?

Listen to your instincts. If you feel like all the hairs on your head are standing on end, there's a reason for it. Pay attention.

This applies to your instincts about other people as well. You don't have to feel paranoid. You don't have to listen to jokes about tinfoil, even the ones in your own head, chica. Makes no nevermind if you're wrong, but when that spiny thing with its fingers is pinching your nerve endings and telling you "nuh-UH! He seems nice, but maybe too nice," very likely the old adage is true. If someone seems too good to be for real, it's because he is.

Mira, I don't want you to be paranoid. I want you to be safe. If you absolutely must ignore your instincts and see a man who gives you the creeps, I can't do a thing to stop you. I hope you'll see him in a well-lighted, well-populated public place (if you really insist). Like where? Well, he doesn't want to go there. Chica, I'm not laughing. There are people so skilled in deception and manipulation of women that the light of day and crowds scare the bejesus out of them. Listen to yourself and tia Lexa and tell the guy you think you can't live without that at whatever time, you'll be at the mall, at Starbucks, at the gallery, at the beach.

Nobody needs to pick you up. You're a strong, capable woman and you aren't giving him your address, right? If he won't meet you in public, that's a warning sign. Please take it seriously. Oh, and girlfriends? You don't give him "a reason" for wanting to meet in public. You don't have to explain that. Why anyone would ask is a question you might want to consider, and this ties in to a simple, impolite fact.

You don't have to be polite.
You don't have to give everyone the benefit of the doubt. It's okay to be rude. Indeed, there are times in life where being rude could save your life.

When you're too polite, too trusting, particularly in situations that don't warrant this behavior, you open yourself up to being the potential victim of a crime. Predators have instincts, too. When someone's afraid to be impolite or rude, that says "vulnerable, safe, cooperative" to him.

As young children, we are raised to be polite. There's nothing wrong with that, but we need to be a bit selective with it. If someone creeps you out, err on the side of caution and do not encourage it. A predator takes your silence as assent, ladies. A really bad guy needs no more encouragement than your lack of response to his verbal palaver.

Mira, I ain't saying every guy is bad, or every man is a predator. Far from it. A few, sadly, have poisoned the well for the great majority of decent, nice, considerate men, the kind you're perfectly safe with because thoughts of hitting you or hurting you don't excite them. Let me reiterate: You may never meet a bad guy. But if you do, or think you have, don't encourage the mofo. He's going to give you a hard sell on how great he is, anyway. You don't have to listen.

If I had a dollar for every time I've been called an uppity bitch, snobby Cuban American princess or variation thereof, we could almost bail out Wall Street. Hearing those words reinforces my first thought of "pendejo, please - just get lost." By that point, coja apagado, no me incomodan. He knows I don't like what I see, and in no uncertain terms. And then, nearly every time, he thoughtfully grants my wish and disappears.

No Excuses.
Don't make excuses for why things should make sense but don't. Accept that they may not, and listen to what your instincts are telling you. Your survival may depend on it.

It's hard to overstate this point. The vast majority of people I know have good intentions. But you must understand that our culture is one in which violence and hatred toward women is excused, acquitted, swept under the rug and too often, not even acknowledged.

We can talk about why after you've broken eye contact, turned your back, walked away and locked the door to your safe haven after you.

Worry and true fear are different.
We worry about things in our memory or what we imagine could happen. When you hear news reports about airplane crashes, car accidents, rapes, you might be worried that this could happen to you. It could. But this is different than sensing true fear.

True fear will strike a different chord in your soul. It doesn't happen often, but when it strikes, listen and react.

For example, let's pretend you're alone in your car, stopped at a stoplight and you're the only car. A car pulls up beside you. This probably happens to you hundreds of times a week.

One day it may happen and your hair may stand on end. Listen to it, react and respond. Move, get out of the way, drive toward a well-lighted, well-populated area. The nearest fire station or hospital or police station will be just fine. Whatever it is, do what your instincts tell you to do. You can second-guess all you want later, but please, do yourself and everyone who cares for you un favor first and get away fast to a place where you feel safe.

The Language of Saying No.
Saying the word "no" isn't enough sometimes. We'll talk about the nonverbal behaviors that can be emphasized to back up the "no" that someone may be selectively not hearing from you. This is a science that can't be explained briefly, but it's worth discussion. More to come. As always, thank you for reading.

Full post as published by Never In Our Names on October 05, 2008 (boomark / email).