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Coffee For Dummies

By Anonymous

JP is out of town on business. It's funny to say that since his business barely exists yet, but it's a trip taken with his two partners on behalf of their fledgling company, so I suppose it counts.. Things are progressing in that area and he's excited about all they're learning (they're visiting someone who's been successfully doing what they're planning to do), so I'm really happy for him, but dammit I sleep terribly when he's gone. I don't sleep so well when he's here either- what with the snoring and the talking in his sleep and random attempts between 2 and 5 AM to grab me from across the bed, drag me over to his side in the crook of his arm, and squish me up against him in a forced spoon- leaving me trapped under his vastly superior strength as he sighs a happy sigh and falls deeper into sleep (until I kick him in the shins to escape). So yeah, I don't sleep well with him, but I sleep much worse without him. It's like my body knows his is missing- I wake up constantly during the night to feel for him and am always surprised when he's not there. I sleep fitfully and wake up irritable, calling him immediately to yell at him for ruining my slumber- he generally takes this as the expression of love that it is, which leaves me even more irritable.

But to the point- I am very, very tired. I am facing thousands of documents that need review for a litigation case that becomes more complex by the second. There are about 15 corporate entities, all with the same three words in their name (note to founders: use your imaginations next time!), some of which must be produced, some which don't, and a big mix in between that only need to be produced if certain discreet issues are present. To make it worse, my current batch is all the scanned-in loose papers from various exec's offices, so there's no highlighting of search terms, just hundreds of pages of scribbles (and the occasional doodle, which always makes me smile). I think I need coffee. Tea isn't cutting it and it's too early for diet coke (I don't eat in the morning and diet coke before food gives me a terrible stomach ache- besides I don't think diet coke does anything for me anymore caffeine-wise). Unfortunately, I hate coffee. I've only tried it once, but I hate the smell and even the slightest hint in a food item will ruin it for me. But it's plentiful (there are four varieties in my floor's coffee bar alone), it doesn't require removing a tea bag, which I always need to do 5 minutes into a meeting with nowhere to put it, it's cheap, you generally get free refills at restaurants, it's hot (I'm almost always cold in the morning), it's low calorie, and most importantly it would be a new source of caffeine! I've always found switching caffeine sources to be the most effective way to be jolted by it. And I desperately need a jolt.

So I ask you, is there anyway to make it taste absolutely nothing like coffee? I've tried the frou frou Starbucks drinks and hate them all (except the delicious and coffee-free chai tea latte)- is there no hope for me then? Does everyone hate it at first? I've heard it can grow on you, did you just choke it down until you liked it? That's what I did with tea (well choking combined with about 6 packets of splenda) and now I'm a big fan- and down to only two splendas per cup! Is there hope for me?

Full post as published by Lag Liv on January 14, 2009 (boomark / email).