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Hank Paulson Offered Top Job at Madoff's MIDAS Fund; Tax Carry Forward and Carry Out

Internal Memo
Stanley Bing
Fortune Magazine

Dear Stanley:

Since you're one of the lead investors in the new Madoff MIDAS Fund, I just wanted to give you a heads up that I'm planning to offer Hank Paulson the top job at the new fund. He's out of a job now, and who else is better at raising a few hundred billion real quick for the purpose of buying distressed assets?

Sure, I've bashed him for turning TARP into one big Fart, but putting him at the helm of our fund, and making him the front man makes great sense. And, he's got a son that knows how to raise money. Have you read about that sports stadium project? Smart kid!

Raising money won't be that hard, especially with a known name like Paulson. That's the magic recipe. I'm guessing that many of the new investors will be from our existing investor list.. Ask Ira about all of those people that put their money into Avellino and Bienes 20 years ago, then had it returned by the trustee, and then re-invested with us afterward. I'm telling you, people believe in me, and I've got the Midas touch!

If Paulson isn't interested, I'm thinking that kid Thain would be a good pick. He might not be a great buyer (oy did you see that last trade he took a hit on??), but Thain knows how to sell. Look how good he did at selling f--king Merrill Lynch to BofA!

Maybe we'll make him #2 if Paulson accepts. Talk about dream teams! And don't worry, he can use the same damn furniture that everyone else uses...we're not going to re-decorate anything. That's deal breaker. Trust me.

I'll tell Ezra not to worry about his job; the COO spot should be good for him, if Frankie D. passes on it. And, that's presuming Frankie D. is feeling OK.

I'm a bit concerned about him; he's acting a bit strange. You-Know-Who followed him into his bank and saw him take out two rolls of dimes. I thought washing machines took quarters?? Probably nothing though; what do I know about that anyway? We have two maids doing our laundry here!!

Let me talk to Shana and see what she thinks.

Stanley-if you have any thoughts on this, get back to me. I'd like to start turning people away so that we build up the momentum.

B.L. M.

Next topic:
Speaking of bashing: I'm hearing that some of you overpaid nudnicks on the 19th floor are whining to the muckrackers about the "tough love" I've dished out over the years. I'm going to say this one f--king time only; I don't like whiners, and as far as I know, you people are still drawing paychecks.

Sure, you're all good boys and you all did your jobs exactly like you were told. You didn't ask stupid questions, and you got paid pretty f--king well as far as I remember. I don't remember much these days, but that's one thing I do remember! Who do you think I made those checks out to before the f--king feds came knocking on the door? Most of them were for you people!! Ask Peter about that!

So, to all of you guys on 19 that didn't know anything about anything; if you're looking for a new job, my friends at the SEC tell me that they're hiring people with those exact qualifications.

Or maybe you can run for office! Same qualifications needed...just ask Barney Fife, I mean Frank.

Or, maybe you can become f--king news reporters; most of them don't seem to know much. Especially about me. Although, people like Janey Wells and little Erin Averdlund are pretty sharp, even if I sometimes think they know too much.

Speaking of Janey Wells at CNBC...For anyone that doesn't want to be charged with insider knowledge, whatever you do, don't tune in to her show tomorrow at 1:40pm EST on CNBC On the other hand, if you really want to take that risk, but think you might be pushing the envelope, hire Ira in advance so that he'll be ready to defend you. That's what I did. Trust me on that.

Finally...Ruth joined Facebook and noticed there's a group of our investors already gathering there.. One of them is a tax lawyer that thinks there's a big win in store for Madoff investors. As a matter of fact, we're thinking of creating a special investment fund focused exclusively on buying everyone's tax loss carryforwards. This could be huge!

Nice upfront payments to our investors, and the new fund owners will have hundreds of millions, maybe even billions to leverage. And, the bonus is that this idea fits right into the economic stimulas package. More on this later.

Speaking of online.. Andy--are you a total schmuck?! Your mother just told me that she tripped over your profile on Jdate. this morning. Yeah, she says that your "nickname" is "bmisandy"...What is that?? Sounds like a Beavis and Butt-head stunt to me!! What are you thinking??! Who could believe that my son is that naive?? If you need a girl, talk to your Uncle Peter. Oy.

Wait a second. Ruth? What the hell are you doing on Jdate????!!
What? You want to see me carried out on a stretcher??! Where's that f--king defibrillator???!!!

Full post as published by Bernard Madoff on January 22, 2009 (boomark / email).