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Muckrakers Everywhere! Mid-Day With Madoff

The muckrakers are at it again.
Sonny D.-I don't know if you're at your karate class right now, but you might want to pick up a copy of the NY Post. Or call that guy to the right and straighten him out.

Next:
To Allen Stanford
From: Bernie

I spoke to Dick Fuld and Jimmy Cayne this morning; they're both prepared to testify that its the f--king media that should be prosecuted for your bank's problems, just like they caused the run on their places. Ask Mort Zuckerman if he doesn't agree.

If everyone else hasn't figured out that its the media's fault for embellishing every damned story and scaring the crap out of everyone with "stories" that haven't even been researched, then they should blame themselves for putting the best banks and brokerages into the shitter.

But I saw this coming--even if we didn't get that CD cashed out in time, and its exactly why we set up Madoff Mania LLC-we sold more toilet paper this week than Wal-Mart did!! BTW- thought you'd like to see the release that went out this morning:

Madoff To Compensate Victims Via Merchandise & Memorabilia Product Sales;
Madoff Mania LLC Unveils Premium Merchandise Catalog

For Immediate Relief:

February 18, New York, NY- Purported representatives of Bernard Madoff, a one-time Chairman of NASDAQ, and more recently notorious for allegedly masterminding one of the largest ?Ponzi schemes? in history, have announced that investors will be allocated newly-issued shares in Madoff Mania LLC, a premium merchandise company specializing in Madoff memorabilia and gift items.

According to the official Madoff blog,items immediately available for sale include a customized line of Madoff Toilet Paper that includes an image of Bernard Madoff on every sheet, ?Bernie?s Balls?, a premium line of golf balls, ?Bernie?s Pisher Pads" , an industrial urinal screen targeting the janitorial supply market place, and a special "Mini-Me" Bernie Doll, an unbreakable 8" statue that comes with a hammer for those that would like to try and pulverize Madoff body parts.

Wall Street analysts have quickly taken note of this new development. In a research report issued by the Dallas-based securities brokerage subsidiary of Stanford Financial Group, ?If the initial sales figures released by Madoff's new enterprise remain consistent, this company could turn out to be the biggest IPO since Google, and perhaps be the catalyst that gets investors back in to the US equities market. By allocating pre-IPO shares to his former investors, those that lost money via Madoff's investment fund could find themselves owning a stake in a very profitable company."

Next:
To Sonja K:
From: Bernie

I saw that Bloomberg piece this morning. More f--king muckrakers, again! Why they would take out of context the remark you made to a magazine 5 years ago "I like to be invisible in my work.." is completely irresponsible. And, if your lawyer says you never received those checks that Sonny sent--please don't stay invisible, just call Jodi or Dan. As soon as SIB opens up again, we can re-cut them.
BLM

Next:
To Jeff Immelt; CEO of General Electric
From: Bernie

Glad to see you're doing the right thing. But you should send Janey Wells a note to tell her that her bonus isn't going to be effected. That little cutie is one of the best you've got over NBC. Trust me.

Next:
To: The Senate Finance Committee
From: Bernard L. Madoff
Re: Joint Task Force Evaluating SEC Staff Compensation
cc: Allen Stanford, Chairman, Stanford Financial
cc: Mary Shapiro, Chairman, Securities & Exchange Commission
cc: Tim Geithner, Secretary of the Treasury
cc: Alan Bernake, Chairman US Federal Reserve
cc: Ron Paul

Gentlemen-

As a former Chairman of NASDAQ, and a long-respected expert on securities industry matters, I'm contacting you on behalf of a special working group set up by New York's leading corporate titans, who convened just last night at an emergency dinner meeting at Sette Mezzo , right down the street from our co-op.

Personally, I think the place is a bit ostentatious, but I don't have a problem with the fact they don't take credit cards. Quite frankly, Ruth has been trying to empty all of her shoe boxes, and that restaurant is a very convenient way to do it.

Anyway, its our understanding that your committee is actually seriously considering that f--king Harry Markopolos's moronic recommendation to increase the pay scale of SEC staffers, so that their compensation is more aligned with finance and banking executives from within the securities and banking industries.

Not that any of you, other than Ron Paul, actually understand how the financial system works, but suffice it to say that Markopolos's recommendation will create rampant inflationary pressures. Were those people to get paid more, than they'd simply expect more expensive gifts, perks, and special items from the industry. Some of you on the Committee should understand what I'm saying.

Bottom line, the cost of corruption would skyrocket. Worse, our economic team has determined that were SEC staff compensation to increase, they'd simply extort even higher salaries as they move back into the private sector. It simply makes no sense to give that proposal a second thought. These are difficult economic times; the money would be much better spent on turbo tax lessons for Tim Geithner.

I'm happy to testify in person or video-feed, but not tomorrow. I 'll be tuning in to Irving Picard's town hall meeting to find out when the f--king SIPC checks might get sent out. My sister is busting my chops on that topic, and its getting really annoying.

Sincerely,
Bernard "Midas Touch" Madoff

Full post as published by Bernard Madoff on February 19, 2009 (boomark / email).