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: Bernard Madoff

Deal or No Deal. The Main Court House Event

Here's the deal; just like I said on Monday--we don't offer deals, and Marcia Cohn says that we've only got (5) $2500 seats left for those that want to sit behind me in the courthouse tomorrow.

And, Rosy B. says she counts only (11) General Admission seats are left. Those cost $1500. I don't know if Rosy is counting right, but Annette and Rudy are keeping the spreadsheet updated as the orders come in. If you want to order on line CLICK HERE

Steve Harbeck says that another 12 people should have gotten SIPC checks sent to them this week, but for the rest of you that can't afford the $1500 seats at the court house, the pay-per-view tickets are a bargain at $2.99/minute. And for all of you clawyers and ambulance chasers, including Mel W.'s protege over at Milberg, I'm thinking you want to use the same live video broadcast technology vendor for all of your ridiculous updates. Click right here for the info. Tell them Bernie referred you

Next: To Paul K.
From: Bernie

Marc Polish says that he feels bad that everyone over there is busy crapping their pants thinking that I've made some kind of a "deal" with Mr. Prosecutor Lev Dassin. The only deal that we made is that we'd give him the name of Shana's dentist, and before Polish can send those four cases of Madoff Toilet Paper to your office, he's going to need you to provide your credit card payment. Scroll to the right and click Buy Now.

Next:
To Mark-

Mom says that you're a big boy now and that you'll have to get your own Xanax refills. I told Pennachio that its OK to keep paying the pharmacy bills. As far as you having another "attack" after listening to that moron "private dick" that appeared on CNBC, I'm telling you that guy Brosnan is just a dick, period. He doesn't know what he's talking about.

That whole thing about Russian mobsters is just another fukakta way for Charlie Gasparino to let out more of his gas. And, you or anybody else don't need to worry about your country club membership being revoked; there's plenty of clubs that are half empty now and offering deals for new members. Trust me. Just ask Dopamine Jaffe.

Next: Accounting

Let's see if I can make this clear for everyone that can't add. Especially for the clawyers.

The $17 billion that was deposited with us, including the A&B accounts that were moved over thanks to Ira and Lee Richards back in '92, was paid out to investors. Just ask Walter.

Sure, we had expenses and compensation that needed to get paid to everyone. How do you think Mark could buy that house in Nantucket. Or how Peter could have that place in Long Island and the place down in Florida? Or how Andy could buy that co-op here in town? Or how Annette could have a place in Manhasset and a place in Boca? But like I said before, the bonuses that we paid weren't anything like the bonuses that Thain paid his people, or the bonuses that Dick Fuld paid his people.

Finally--Ruth's $70 million was earned. The old-fashioned way. Now that we've got more f--king lawyers than toes and fingers, half of that money is going to disappear almost as fast as Hank Paulson's FART money.

What? I need to keep repeating myself?!

For all of you others that are busy pissing your pants, we've got a few cases of Bernie Pisher Pads left. Scroll to the right.

Full post as published by Bernard Madoff on March 11, 2009 (boomark / email).