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Stanely Bing's Exclusive Interview With Bernie..Its Worth a Fortune!

Since Fortune's Stanley Bing is an insider, and on the Board of MIDAS, it was only fair to feed him the first of the interviews that I've decided to grant. Stanley said he gets claustrophobic, so he sent in one of his enablers to take care of everything. Some gal from LA that Stanley says makes the muttonheads at Huffington and DailyBeast look like illiterates. What does Huffington know? She married a guy that turned out to be a fagelah! What does that tell you??

What do I know? I just make money for everyone. How else could my brother Pete have bought that Aston Martin??

So, if anyone wants to make a claim, you should contact this person yourself--the email address is: scarlettsmom@gmail.com.

ON DECEMBER 14, 2008, there was an amazing discovery which rocked both financial and spiritual worlds.

A man, claiming to be 2399 years old had arrived a few decades ago in New York, Palm Beach and the Hamptons to "help" people invest their hard earned life savings.Sadly, he didn't do so well at that, and he now resides in the Manhattan Correctional Center where he has agreed to be interviewed. This is his first exclusive interview since his arrest and imprisonment.

SB: Hello, I understand your name is Bernard Madoff - May I call you Bernie?

Bernie: No. Not until your check clears. And if that chubby Daphne Merkin can refer to me as "Mr. Madoff", so can you!

SB: So, Mr. Madoff, I understand that after the first three weeks of incarceration, you?re about to disclose that you believe you?re truly the reincarnation of King Midas, and that during your travels, you had advised Moses on how to invest. Tell me about your earliest memories from those days, and were you also involved back then in investing people's money in non-existent stocks and bonds?

Bernie: Certainly not. They didn't have any money, they were slaves - what are you? A shmuck? I had to get them to have money before I could take it away.

SB: I see.

Bernie: So, I , and my lovely family, helped Moses lead the Israelites out of Egypt.. Oy, what a trip. It was some shlep in the sun ? hotter than Montauk in August; we had to put the yacht on one sled, and the fishing boat on another to get drag them across. And there wasn't a single f?king golf course along the way. Although, I did have my 7 iron, and my sand wedge just in case we found an oasis.

SB: I read in the Old Testament that it took 40 years to cross the desert.

Bernie: Well, that was our whole plan. Normally it should take two, maybe three weeks maximum to cross that piece of hot, hilly sand between Egypt and the Promised Land. But I was Head Navigator, and I had a brother a a couple of sons carrying the water supplies and printer cartridges. I led them all over the place - back and forth, up and down - lucky I had a good pair Nikes and some Thorlo socks.

SB: But why did you do that when you could have gotten them there more quickly?.

Bernie: AHA !- This is what people like you don't understand. My wife (the first of 147 Ruthies,) and my brother Yitzak, (no one was named Peter then,) ran ahead and put up fruit stands, lemonade stands, and, especially MANNA stands.. We sold them all food and drink, and we led them all over the place so we could get what few shekels and all the gold they had. We controlled the Manna market. The first commodity!

So, that's why we made it take 40 years. Ruthie said she was in the best shape of her life, but she also needed sunscreen. That?s before there was Boots, so we had to improvise.

SB: So, let me understand, you controlled the fruit, the drinks and the manna?

Bernie: You betcha! It was my first big chance to control a lot of valuable assets.

SB: How did you get them to follow you?

Bernie: Easy, I told them that I knew the best way, and that if they followed me, they would be rewarded with their own country club memberships. If they begged a little and didn't ask too many stupid questions, I might let them have Manna and the fruit and maybe, in the end, one or two Commandments.

SB: And they believed you??

Bernie: I always made it very mysterious how I knew things, and they were begging to join me. I was always a club no one could get into.

SB: What about Moses?? I thought he was the leader.

Bernie: We let him think he was the leader. I fed him the lines, so actually, he was our first ' "feeder". He told them about religion and G-D, and he did the burning bush trick, but all of the shekels came to us. Moses was too spiritual ? unlike Ezra or Sonja, or Walter, he wouldn't take a dime to lead his people. Also he had this lisp

SB: But what about when Moses went on the mountain top and returned with the Ten Commandments?

Bernie: Easy! I told them they could choose two for free. The rest we were selling. There was a lot of disagreement, as you might imagine. Finally, they voted for: "Honor the Lord thy God" and "Honor Thy Mother and Father". By the way, I am personally in total agreement with those two choices. My brother Pete had ixnayed the coveting of the neighbor's wife thing.

SB: But what about the other ones?

Bernie: Well, we charged by the Commandment. Some more than others - some VERY expensive. Like the adultery one, and the "Thou Shalt Not Steal" one - we wanted to OWN that baby!

SB: But they were the words of God.

Bernie: Could be, but we had control over the tablets. Just like years later when we controlled the OTC stock market. We kept things very hush hush - only released one a week or so. We had a couple of people that didn?t speak the language in a backroom that were in charge of distributing them. Its funny, time doesn't change much. Just like today, everyone was begging to buy them before they even knew what they said!

SB: And after you kept control of the Ten Commandments, the people paid you- but Moses was not allowed to enter the Promised Land?

Bernie: Yeah - that's what we told him. He was pretty tired by then, and he was already 120 years old. We had been tramping back and forth just short of the border for about 8 years.. So Moses stopped and I, Bernie Midas Madoff, led them across. You can imagine the gratitude.

SB: So you led them across after taking their money?

Bernie: Right, and their gold and jewelry, sandals,promissory notes, their IRA?s, some Keough?s- whatever. But we always gave to charity. In fact I was on the Board of EVERY non-profit from 3000 years ago.

SB: I have two more questions, but it seems the guard is pounding on the door.

Bernie: Enough for today. I need a nap. But, if you want to come back and ask more stupid questions, tell Stanley that I could use some cigars--the Davidoff's, and also bring a couple of onion bagels, chive cream cheese, and nova?sliced thin!. Pick it up from Sable?s.

But, for G-d's sake.. no more f?king manna - I haven't been able to keep that crap down in centuries. That?s why we partnered up with Marc Polish for the Madoff Toilet Paper. Just scroll to the right and order some for yourself.

Full post as published by Bernard Madoff on March 28, 2009 (boomark / email).