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Mark The New Matriarch??

Dad-

Even with North Korea blasting nukes into space, it seems that the media can't stop focusing on us.

While you're cooling your heels, Uncle Pete's become as frozen as a Popsicle, and Mom, contrary to what she blogged on your blog, was actually caught shoplifting in the Neiman's down in Boca. Uncle Al took care of the Neiman's thing, but its one more favor that we owe him. I'm not sure how smart that is.

Don't worry about the boat--well I guess I should say boats. We've still got the other one. But we had to move it from Greenwich. This place has gone nuts. Steph and I have already found a place in Milford, but that m--f--ker won't let me sell the place here in Greenwich. Not that anything is moving.

Speaking of boats; you never wanted to listen to your oldest son, but its obvious that Frank's boat is still sailing, if you get my drift...Whatever it is that him and Nan have on you--well...its probably too late now to talk about.

Which is more than I can say about Ezra. Maybe you should have hired that wacko Teicher when he said he wanted to trade options for us. But whatever Ezra did to burn that bridge, you'll be happy to know that the morons in the media are now beginning to figure out that this whole thing wasn't about you, it was about the entire generation.

And as funny as you thought you were when you said "Andy and I went after minnows, while you went after whales"-- your big whale Ezra is about to be blubbering. At least that's what the people at Dickstein are telling me.

BTW-Andy's spent the last two weeks surfing LinkedIn.com trying to find a job, and he even tried to join a "Madoff Employees" group--but they wouldn't let him in. They also shut him out of Jdate. Seems that they don't think anyone will want to date someone that doesn't have any money. I told him to let them keep thinking that; exactly the kind of PR we need--"we're all poor and destitute.." and enough with the freezing bullshit.

Since getting a job on the Street is going to be tough for me too, I did what John G. suggested, and I sent in my resume to the SEC. Mary said she'd be surprised if anybody put 2 and 2 together i.e. the last name. It worked for Delaire, and its not like there's anybody new down there, or as if they've actually taught anybody to read. I love Obama too--but thank G-d we've got Schumer at our back.

In the interim, and before the fishing season starts up, Shana threw in with Andy and me--we're opening up a chain of bikini waxing spas. Uncle Pete's on the advisory board.

We're calling it "Bernie's Brazilians". Walter Noel's people might have a problem with the reference to Brazilians, but it was actually Shana that came up with a killer tag line:

If we could figure out haircuts and all of those margin statements, this is going to be easy. Andy's been practicing with the hot wax on Shana, which I think is kind of weird, but at least everyone is getting along for a change.

BTW- You've been getting lots of fan mail, mostly from women, including some notes from a lady lawyer in Arkansas. Sort of weird that her name is Marcia, but she wanted me to tell you that she thinks "Felder is going to try and rip you another ass-h--e, if someone hasn't already done that where you are..."

But she says that if Enrica or Marcia can send her a small retainer, she'd be happy to be your matrimonial lawyer.

Even if you and Mom are having some issues, I'm not taking sides right now--after all, Mom is the one that lent me the $20 million, and now that she's busy scrambling to find a place to live, I had to fork out another $5k to change the locks on the place up in Nantucket and here in Greenwich. And, I'm sleeping with both eyes open. Steph says she'll do what Debbie did if Mom insists on living with us.

Anyway--based on the note from the lawyer in Little Rock--it looks like you've still got the Midasty touch with the women. Which is exactly why calling our new spa "Bernie's Brazilians" makes so much sense.

Dear Bernie:

I, and other women, find you attractive for many reasons:

1. You wear a uniform. (It goes great with that flowing mane of hair you have.)

2. I know where I can find you no matter the time of day or night.

3. You don't have to spend more time with your family than you do with me.

4. You won't be spending the holidays with your family rather than with me.

5. Women LOVE smoothtalkers.

So, I'll be happy to keep corresponding and providing you "content" as you call it. (We don't want Ruth to get jealous, do we?) I prefer our little jailhouse romance. Women love a jailbird, especially one who has money hidden somewhere. You do, don't you? You can tell me. Trust me. I won't tell a soul!

marcialaw@.....

Dad--I checked this one out!...Totally for real, and she even left a $25 tip. Which is exactly what everyone else should be doing!!

Mark

Full post as published by Bernard Madoff on April 06, 2009 (boomark / email).