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I finally did it. It took all my courage, but I went to see Bernie at that terrible place this afternoon.

It took forever for the car to get that far downtown. All of those idiot reporters were busy chasing after Ezra, so nobody even knew I was back in town.

I looked awful - dark hat and raincoat (Burberry- fur- lined), Gucci sunglasses and umbrella - so at least the reporters couldn't see my face very well.

He doesn't look as bad as I thought he would. After I went through the incredibly intrusive security check, we sat next to each other and held hands like we used to. And as usual, his hands were clammy, and his twitch was sputtering at the same rate as the defib.

I brought just a few snacks and a box of Matzohs, which always gives him such constipation.

He is there for us, I know that. I'm just so frightened that they're coming after me next. None of the lawyers we have can tell what time it is, no less give a straight answer about what tomorrow is going to be bring. But I guess that's the world we live in now.

Ezra, the fancy schmancy art collector /intellectual was in court today. He made more than even I had ever imagined in fees from Bernie's firm. But, it was very kind of him to invite us to Passover at his house, at least that's what he wants all of his holier-than-thou friends to believe. Mr. Pious. Right.

Passover takes forever, and I get tired easily these days. Plus, Ezra always wants to go through the Hagaddah word by word, until my blood sugar does a nose dive. Aside, I've got an annoying bladder infection, and even more painful, his sister will be there. Another little fatty that I never liked, and she's writing that awful book, " Jews and Money". Such a shonda for her to do that.

Darling, Faithful Bernie assured me that there was nothing at all to those rumors about him " stepping out" on me. Well, I never really thought there was - I know what he can do, and what he can't do . CAN'T being the operative word recently (say the last 5 years or so).

Actually, I do believe his explanation that it was his brother acting like a shmuck as usual. Signing Bernie's name to charges with hookers. It's amazing he even had 1% of the company.

So, Diary, I've seen him. We had a few secret words about the you know what, you know where. The twitching is fairly pronounced, and his ears and nose could use a going over with the thingie from Sharper Image, but he has kept his weight up thanks to Frankie S. that very nice, yet faintly menacing Italian man in the next "room".

So all in all, not a bad day, and it's great to be back in New York.

If you can make it here, you'll make it anywhere - and we did make it here!

Hiding you away again.

Ruthie

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