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I'm Shedding Some Light...

Between all of the crap that's gone on the past few days, its time for me to shed some light.

For you goyim that didn't know it, today isn't just the first day of Passover--you know--the holiday where all of your houses get hit by a plague for the sins you made by bashing the Hebrew people-- today is a day that happens only once every 28 years.

This is a special day on the calendar when we greet the sun..it's a day of reflection--And after being cooped up in here like a gremlin--if only to borrow a phrase from little Pisher Spitzer, I'm thinking that throwing a few plagues on other people's doors is a good way to not only remind everyone that Midas Madoff made you f--king wealthy, but that today is one that we should remember how to forgive and forget.

But I need to clear the air first. Not like Paulson and his FART idea, either.

First- Neither of those two people in the photo are smiling. My darling Ruth and my brother, Peter One Point. They're being persecuted, and its not right. If darling Ruth's father were alive today, may he rest in peace, he could tell you that the $45 million that Ruth has at Wachovia came from him. Not me!

F--king lawsuits, freezer bags, scum bags, clawyers, and those moron SEC and DOJ people spending their time coming to this blog for hours every day and looking to harass. What? This sounds crazy? Government agents spending hours on this blog make sense?? We can't bail out GM, but we can have idiot agents spending our tax money by surfing the internet??

And what about this FDIC crap?? If anybody can "guarantee $3 trillion in bank deposits", its not going to be the FDIC. Ask Konigsberg, he can tell you that! Christ--even Dopamine Jaffe could figure out how stupid that is!

Sheila Bair, in all due respect, I don't know you, but call up Mary over at SEC, and ask her if I'm not an expert on these things. She'll vouch for me. Trust me.

Next- To One Bernie from Another. If anybody is going to re-create his career by blogging and becoming a media pundit, its going to be me, not your kid. I spent less docking my 80ft Bull in Antibe than your kid spent on docking his 2 inch sausage...$80k a year on broads??? Check out our expense accounts--we didn't spend a fraction of that, right Pete?? Another thing, if your darling little boy doesn't return Peter's f--king black book, trust me, Matt Lauer is going to have a field day like he's never seen. Don't forget, Lauer lives in MY building. If Matt wants f--king hot water, he's going to listen to me! Last on this-little Janey Wells at CNBC is this far from calling up Lauer and telling him what's what.

Next: Speaking of little tips; to you ragweeds at the NY Post. You come to my blog and you find a tidbit about Sonny D's mentally-retarded son at the NYSE and the next thing that happens is you get the poor boy fired--and when you write about it, you say "information provided by a tipster.." ??? John Crudele--that was a cruddy thing to do.. Enough said. I won't even link to the dirt you uncovered today.

Next: Andy--this thing with the "Bernie's Brazilian's" and the hot wax. Your mother told me that when you were practicing on Shana, you ruined three pairs of Wolfords, and now Shana wants your mother to pay for them. Her account at Neiman's was put on a freeze, so you think she's really in the mood to be buying thongs for Shana???

How do I know about Wolfords?? That's none of your f--king business--and I'm tired of hearing your mother kvetch about you. Like I said the other day--you and are your brother need to focus on fishing--for whales, not minnows!

Next-Speaking of whales.. Ezra-while I'm reflecting--and before the family shows up looking for the matzoh tonight, and whatever is hidden in it, I owe you an apology. You've got clawyers clawing at your door, and nobody realizes the $250 million that you made courtesy of us is hanging on your walls, and maybe in a few other places. But, I am sorry that you got clipped for $2mil. Harbeck says that because it was spread out over three accounts, you'll actually get back $1.5 mil.. But you might have to wait. So far, only about 16 people have gotten checks, and my sister Sonnie's file is actually in front of yours.

Next: To you clawyers. Ruth brought me two stacks of print outs (yes, we still have plenty of printer cartridges) with opinions from every clawyer on the f--king planet. The only one that has a clue is that guy Keith Hanratty out in Minneapolis. And, if you throw him a bone, he'll take you to a great place for claws..I pitched this joint before, its called Stella's. They even ship in freezer bags, which should make all of the morons that are looking to freeze things happy.

Next: Speaking of joints.. I'm sorry to shed the light on the fact that Jimmy Cayne decided not to join the Board of Madoff Mania. But for any of our investors that might be crapping in their pants about that, trust me, our sales this month are 10x more than last month. We're hitting the ball out of the park with these things, but the golf balls are moving a little slow. Sonja, I'm sorry; I am trying to watch over your kid, but I've got lots of kids that need to be watched over, and there are only so many balls I can keep up in the air at the same time while I'm in this place.

Next: Speaking of balls and parks--Irving is going to f--k up trying to sell our Mets tickets-just like he's f--king auctioning off the trading firm. So right here, right now, we're running an auction. Fred Wilpon would have taken them back himself, but he's busy working on a new sign for the new stadium. Anyway--we've got two of the greatest f--king seats at Shea Stadium--OK, today its called CitiField-tomorrow it'll be called something else. That's not the point.. this is Bernie's Box...face value is $80k..

We're taking bids starting at $100k, no less. Just send your bid in through Ask Me a Question or CLICK HERE

If you want, we'll even include a Teflon umbrella with the purchase. You can never be too safe. Or too protected on rainy days.

Trust me.

Last- Ruth--check those Wachovia accounts. Yes-I said muni's was the place to be, but I also told you three weeks ago that downgrades were coming. Lo and behold, Midas was right again.

Full post as published by Bernard Madoff on April 08, 2009 (boomark / email).