Law Humor

Madoff's Guide On How To Get By on Only $10k/Month

You and your f--king blog.

Like a good "little brother", I've followed you around like a butler for 30 years, and I made sure that the chairs and desks in your office, the plane, and your god damned boat were clean enough to lick.

If Annette forgot to clean the dust off the printer cartridges, who the f--k do you think took out the little toothbrush to wipe them clean??

Who do you think wiped the boogers off the arm rests on YOUR private plane???!!!

What did I get?? One f--king point????

Sure, I've got the McMansions here and in Palm Beach, but when did I get to enjoy them??

Remember--it was me doing the cleaning, and me shlepping to those f--king STA conferences to press the flesh and have cocktails and dinners with everyone in the industry.

Do you really think that I liked any of those people?? Any of them???

And, don't go down the path about my "little black book and the T&E expenses."

Tits and Escorts go hand in hand. That's a given.

What do you think those conferences were about? And it doesn't even matter; Spitzer's got his hands on the book now, and even a gallon of your favorite hand sanitizer wouldn't get me to touch it after he's leafed through it.

You might be getting by on a few bucks a day where you are, but I'm out here. With Marion fuming and Shana shaking.

$1000/hr legal bills, two country club memberships and the landscaping bills for two houses--not to mention the insurance bills, the property taxes, and all of the rest-- you and I, as well as Paul, Walter, Ezra and Sonny know, that even pretending to spend only $10k/mo on "living expenses" is going to open a can of worms.

Can you imagine even trying to explain to Shana that she's got to cut back on those leg waxings?? That's $1k a month right there! Do you know what Marion's electrolysis sessions cost???!

And this isn't even the lifestyle that I would have chosen--you said that it was "absolutely critical" that everyone in the family live like royalty.

God only knows that my family has paid a price for this, and when your two know-nothing sons ---the ones that I f--king treated as if they were my own, wiped their noses whenever you brought them to tears, the ones that I bailed out when you and Ruth were "away" --when they call me to say--"Hey, Uncle Pete, where's Enrica with this month's check?...."

I'm going to tell them "Hey--don't worry boychicks, your Dad's new book--the one he talked about back in the second week of January-- it's a few weeks delayed, we had to change the title to "Madoff's Guide On How To Live On Only $10k A Month.."

And Bernie--we all know that when you do get out, there's no f--king way that I'm having you over at Glen Oaks for the Sunday Barbeque. With my luck, Mel Weiss will be out at the same time, and there'd be a goddamn riot in the place.

Sure, "..brothers should stick together..." You fed me that crap for years.

How about you stick together with a "brother" where you are, your two sniffle-nose kids can stick to each other, and I'll sign the checks like I used to.

Pete

Full post as published by Bernard Madoff on April 04, 2009 (boomark / email).