Law Humor

Kissing Cousins-To Shana

Look into my eyes and tell me that you don't think I'm serious when I remind you what Starkman has told all of us--NO talking to anyone.

I don't give a shit that your Dad's Aston-Martin just had one of those Denver Boots attached to it. Its not like the firm bought me an Aston Martin--and why anybody allowed that old witch Nan Bongiorno to get a Bentley is beyond me.

You were the compliance genius in the group--it never occurred to you to ask Jodi or Frank D. about those things??

If you didn't already read in FinAlternatives, I've just had to pledge the video room in my Greenwich house to the the f--king town of Fairfield, while your busy bitching about not having enough cash to pay the upkeep on that place in the Hamptons.

Here's the game plan:

1. Any conversations with that guy Silverman at NBC will go through Starkman, and it'll be me that represents the family. The Reality TV idea is interesting, but Larry Kudlow says he wants me to join his show on CNBC. He knows that I'm an expert on how trading markets work, and he's got plenty of his own meds that he says he'll be happy to share as part of the deal. They're also talking about me filling the spot that Dylan Ratigan had on FastMoney. Sort of ironic maybe, but lets face it--my face was made for the big screen, right?

2. F--k Andy. I don't know where he is this week, or what he's doing. But if I hear one more thing about "Bernie's Brazilians" and you guys moving forward with this leg waxing boutique, my place in Nantucket is going to be off-limits to both of you for the entire summer. OK--so you've got your own place in the Hamptons--but everybody knows your face out there.

3. We've all got some marriage issues right now, trust me. I didn't tell you to marry Eric, even if it proved helpful to everyone for a while. Deal with it. I've got one ex and another one that's busy trying to change her name so the kids can get into another school.

4. As far as that crap about you contacting some lunatic 'prison expert'--we all know that's bullshit. F--king media needs to fill print space and they're going to write anything. Ignore them--I do, although my Dad's idiotic blog is getting me pissed. When my book comes out, that's the one that will set the record straight.

5. This is going to be a waiting game. Nobody is clawing back anything from me, and those loans that my Mom extended to me weren't personally guaranteed--I put up my shares in BMIS. So I'm free and clear--at least I will be when the dust settles. And if Andy calls you one more time to ask why I got $20 million and he only got $10 million--just remind him that I'm the older brother.

Since half of his money came this past October, he might have a problem with the 9-month rule, but that's not my problem. I've got a house full to take care of and he's busy running around like a sailor on leave.

All of this means that I'm going to be one with the purse strings. So don't panic, you can count on me.

Last- If you see me in CP, just walk by. So far, there hasn't been any paparazzi following me around, but I hear you're a target for them, and I don't need to get hit by any stray shots.

And be careful about the blackberry thing. I've told you this before.
Mark

Full post as published by Bernard Madoff on April 16, 2009 (boomark / email).