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: Bernard Madoff

It's a Sonny Weekend! Enjoy It..while you can..

To: Sonny Cohn, CEO Cohmad Securities
From: Bernie

Sonny, stop with the shvitzing. And tell Marcia to strap some on and get tough.

The sheister lawyer that's suing Delaire is wasting everyone's time. Trust me, that doctor is being taken for a ride by an ambulance chaser! Schulman is going to get more "satisfaction" if he were to just bend over and gives himself an enema. I've actually figured out how to do that in here, and its not so bad; not as good as when Ruthie did that for me, but not so bad..

But anyway, trust me when I say that the retainer that doctor paid to his lawyer is going to disappear faster than Paulson's FART money disappeared into the anals of AIG.

Hey..that was pretty funny, right?

Anyway, he's a big shot doctor, and he's got plenty of money, so what's the big deal? F--king health care system in this country is nuts; that's something for Obama to figure out, not me.

But, Sonny, just because Delaire got sued doesn't mean that you're going to get sued, too. It doesn't mean that you're not, but even if you do, just ask Irv what's going to happen next.

First, nobody's going to even bother to figure out if you have any assets...we don't need to talk about that here, every other idiot from Fresh Meadows and Glen Oaks is going to get their own goniff lawyers to piggyback the case, so it'll become a class action. Months, maybe years before anything happens.

Sure, it'll be great for the lawyers; they'll be collecting their retainers, and they'll be eating out at Bryant & Cooper's in Roslyn to celebrate, but they won't win any case.

Even if by some f--king stroke of madness they did win, Nose Picker Picard is going to step in and seize any civil judgments on behalf of the bankruptcy trust. Which means that even if you or Sonny D. haven't hidden away the stuff that we talked about, anything that recovered is going to be split up between 4000 people. Pennies for the Schulmans, but big bucks for the lawyers when you figure their 30% vig.

And, that's assuming that the idiot feds don't step in and do their own prosecution first. They'll maybe threaten you with some nonsense and try to scare you into pleading guilty for something that you didn't do, and then two years from now, they'll get a judgment for restitution. And then, any restitution award would have to be split up between God knows how many people that claim they were "victims". And then , Picard is going to sue the government to make that money go into the trust. A total cluster f--k!

On the other hand, if they can't find any assets, the whole thing is moot and you'll be lounging in your hammock in Manhasset, just like always. And Sonny D. is going to be playing golf, just like always. Its not like either of you two guys can pay restitution from "future earnings". What? Sonny D. is going to become a ski instructor, or teach karate someplace?? And, you? You couldn't have gotten a job 20 years ago if it weren't for me, remember? What? You're going to get a job at Publix? I don't think so.

Oy, you've exhausted me with this stuff. So, stop crapping your pants and keep doing what you've been doing.

You don't know anything and you never did. Just like Dopamine Bob. Even that guy Teicher was just guessing. If you can't stop with the crapping, scroll to the right and get some more Madoff Toilet Paper and charge it to Cohmad. And whatever you do, don't be a schmuck like Sonny D. and start suing anybody yourself. Like I said the other day, people in glass houses shouldn't throw stones.

By the way--tell your people that I have no idea why they haven't gotten their SIPC checks yet. Whatever Harbeck said about "payments going out in February" was bullshit. Ruth is going to get her income tax refund check faster!

And, don't be like my sister Sonnie and ask me why only 22 people have gotten their $500k back, even though AIG got $50 billion in less than five hours. I don't know! Try Barney Flubber, or better yet, maybe Hank Paulson. Or maybe his friend Lloyd at Goldman can explain that; not me. I might be Midas, but that guy's a Magicians. Christ, his people made an entire month disappear!

I know..we had a long history of paying people within 24 hours anytime they asked for it. Ask Jodi!! But SIPC is an insurance company. They don't like to pay claims. Even to injured war veterans. Another thing that AIG can explain; not me.

Call up the people at Stone Point--they know about insurance companies, maybe they can explain how all of this works. I'm focused on what that kid Silverman is pitching to Mark.

And Sonny, be a mensch and leave $20 where it says "Gratuities Welcome"-- over to the right column. The people here have their hands out non-stop, and all I can do is squirt them with my Soapopular..

One last thing--it wouldn't kill you to tell people that I'm here. I'm getting lonely, and even my good-for-nothing kids haven't visited.
BLM

Full post as published by Bernard Madoff on April 19, 2009 (boomark / email).