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Law Humor

: Bernard Madoff

Bongriorno Mi Amore

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Everybody's saying..."Bernie--tell me something that other people don't know. Well, if I did too much of that, then I'd not only f--k up the conversations with that kid Silverman, but I'd also be confusing the feds, and they're confused enough as it is.

But Nan--everyone's been asking about you, so I thought you wouldn't mind if I shared the note you just sent me.

April 23
To Mister Mr. Bernard Madoff
From: A. Bongiorno

Bernardo, Mi amore vecchio,:

I'm cooking up a storm here in my all Viking kitchen with the Siena Tiles.

I thought I might come visit, since your family isn't doing what a family should do, which is HANG TOGETHER.

We Bongiornos always toasted every Sunday lunch with Prosecco ( well, until recently, champagne with sugar,) "Alla Familigia". We live by those words. You should too, and not just to your BLOOD family.

I always thought that I ( "Nannie", as you called me in those special moments), was like family to you - maybe more than family, since we had our exciting times together.

And boy, did you keep things exciting for me. Remember, after we would do the statements in the second week of the month, we would kick back, and you would light up one of your cigars, and I would have an Italian cigarette and some of my homemade grappa, and well - you remember..

I know Ruth never understood you "that way" and that I always did. Now we're both alone; fat ass Rudy's been griping about everything from his gout to how those union checks aren't enough to cover ungatz.

But, me and my Bentley - we ain't going down quietly.. just so you know. I was the one working like a fucking dog back there, never saying anything to anyone. Bringing the Biscotti and Tiramisu for our Friday afternoon cartridge parties.

What? so you think, I"m chickenshit frightened like your idiot boys? - sorry but true is true. How many times did I have to clean their underpants??

Sono Italiana da Sicilia. I'm not afraid of those clawyers, or those dopey feds in their bad suits. My people have dealt with them since J Edgar wore his prettiest dress, and said " All Italians are in the Mob." I curse him into eternity even now. I spit on his memory!

But you , my wonderful boss and friend. You - I have feelings about.. Feelings a woman cannot control no matter how wrong they are in the eyes of My Church.

So, I'll make enough meatballs, sauce, eggplant parm, grated parmesan, and pastries for all three of us. What? You thought Frankie S. was there by accident?. He is my cousin's cousin on my mother's side.. A great guy.. I knew you'd love him. Hah - there are NO accidents! Not in Mio Mondo!

And don't worry about Frankie D. Its a family thing. We all share the code.

I'll see you Sunday. I'll bring the food, and for god's sake, stop talking about my beautiful English car - your "gift of love" you called it. I can't stop looking at it and thinking how we enjoyed that back seat last summer in the Hamptons on that secluded beach.! The sand is still on the carpeted floor of that car. I'll never let them sweep it up.

A Domenico con amore,

Nan

Nan, dear;

Believe me when I say how much I appreciate your cooking for me and Frankie - I wish I could eat just one mouthful of your fabulous red sauce, but I absolutely forbid you to come down here to visit. I'm also having some gas issues, and that red sauce is going to flame up my hemmoroids like a building fire.

First, they listen in on every conversation and you have enough tsouris already. Second, although it is a Men's Correction 'Hotel', your mustache and lip and chin growth might make them seize you at once, and then you wouldn't like it here at all. On second thought, maybe you would.

So, sweetie, do yourself a favor, ON ME, of course. Including gratuities. Go on down to Shana's new waxing studio, before she gets bored and goes into TV with a new Reality show I'm hearing about. "Shana's Beauty Secrets" How to stay thin and fit in jail." She's going to have REAL women who are actually in jail and they'll do complete makeovers - it's a dynamite idea and Silverman better hurry because Simon Cowell is knocking down the doors to get the rights to it.

Tell them Bernie said it's on the HOUSE. Only let a Brazilian girl handle your issues. Do not let Andy touch you ( but you already knew that..) And while you're there, let them take care of your underarm situation as well. You never know, you could meet a nice guy at one of your depositions, and who wants to look at that bush you have coming out from those white polyester blouses that you wear?

And , Nanny, dear, while you're at it, take yourself shopping.. someplace nice but not TOO nice. Maybe Macy's or Bloomingdales, and get a few suits and blouses for all these depositions you have coming up. And, honey, no offense, but some nice hose and decent shoes wouldn't hurt either. The better you look, the less you have to sing.. A canary I don't need - of course you know what I mean -

Thanks for the meatballs - freeze them along with all the assets ( a little BMIS joke).

Save them for when I go to the next place, which I hear will be more pleasant and easier to visit and communicate.

BLM

Full post as published by Bernard Madoff on April 23, 2009 (boomark / email).