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: Bernard Madoff

If its Tuesday, it must be time for Ira. Or "Ike". Whatever.

Yes, this is Attorney Sorkin calling to speak with Mr. Madoff.

Yes, I'll hold.

Yes, I understand that he's a bit twitchy lately, and that he wants to get his Soapopular before he picks up the phone.

Yes, Officer, I know that you're all very grateful that he provided several hundred cases to the Correctional Officer Canteen at a special discounted rate, so that you can all have a life time supply.

Yes, Officer, you're right. Trust me when I tell you that next time, he'll be much more generous with the people at SEC.

Yes, Officer, thank you for putting him on the phone now.

Bernie? Is that you?
Good. Now listen closely.
What?
Yes, I'm sitting in front of the screen now. Yes, I'm logged in to your IB account.
Yes, you were right, as always, when you told Andy to stay short out-of-the-money calls.

Yes I remember you blogged about shorting the market two weeks ago.

Can I get your attention for a minute?
Good.

I've been thinking .
Now that the Southern District is turning into one big deli piled high with ham sandwich suits, just like I said it would, and what with your sentencing still on the docket for next Tuesday (although we might or might not get it rescheduled), its time for Phase 2.

I went to Denny's with Denny yesterday, and I told him that Mel Weiss is preparing a class action against Picard on behalf of the investor group. He reacted just like we thought he would.

Yes. you and I know that Mel is sitting in tight cell, I mean tight spot right now, but Denny said he'd overlook that. When I told him that Lee Richards would be the perfect trustee to oversee the trustee, and when I volunteered to lend a hand and walk everybody through the process without charging any additional fees, Denny couldn't turn me down. Just like old times, Bernie. You, me and Serious-Looking Lee. As Mikey Beans says "Easy Peasy"

And lets face it, Bernie. What with Herrick suing the SEC, Fairfield County suing Fairfield Greenwich, Konigsberg's people suing the Manhattan DA's wife for libel, and the 4000 other lawsuits on file, it only makes sense that Mel would be the lawyer suing Picard on behalf of the investors. We've already lined up 20 people from Glen Oaks and the City of Boca Raton, but Mel says that Sonnie should be the lead in the claimant class. Mel's the perfect coach. You can tell Sonnie that it'll be just like the high school play she tried out for.

No, Bernie. Sonnie your sister, not Sonny Delaire.

Anyway, we'll have everyone tied up in knots, and in the mean time, Lee is going to make sure that all of the assets are managed properly. Just like he did when we worked out that mess with Frankie and Beans. God, I really miss the old days and all the fun.

OK. This is what I want you focus on next:

First: We're going to have you moved pretty soon, so I want you to read that book Andy Borowitz sent over..Read it from cover to cover. It'll be a great prep for your move. He should have titled it Perp Prep, but he didn't. I'll save that idea for my own book. But, anyway, its 100x better than that crap Herb Hoelter told you. And it costs $9.95 when you buy it on line, instead of the $50k that Herb wanted for a retainer. I'll tweet over a link to..There's also one right here, at the bottom.

Next: Thanks to your own Andy, your kids are planning a going away party of sorts, to celebrate your moving to a new place. Don't worry, its going to be kosher-catered, so nobody has to have second thoughts about the food. You might want to get a professional taster though. Both of your sons chipped in, and they hired a Rabbi friend of Ezra's to bless the food. His name is Glanz, a fixer that Ezra hired after he fired Vic.

Don't worry about how much he charges! The Rabbi is coming for almost nothing; he just lost a contract, so he needs the work, and he's happy to help. Plus, he knows how to take care of the right people to make sure it all happens without a hitch. I'm thinking you might want to bring him in as a Board Advisor to MIDAS when this all clears up.

No, Bernie. There's no need to thank me, it was your sons' idea. Mark is getting tired of finding out everything from you through the blog, so he decided its about time that he visits.

Ruth thought it was time for a party also. I reminded her that it won't be nearly as expensive as the Thanksgiving party. I'm still trying to explain to Picard that the $5 million was a reimbursement for the dinner expenses. This isn't a guy that gets it after just one explanation. Anyway, I'm sure that this will be a great bonding experience for everyone. We're going to have a lot of bridges to cross, and each one comes with another retainer.

Speaking of retainers... I've been putting out some feelers to the people at Stone Point. I know they love coming to your blog every day, and they love what they're reading.
Yes, Bernie. Nobody's better than you.

That's why I'm going to suggest they put you on retainer; to help them write some of their marketing material and some other stuff. They've got lots of companies, and they could probably use a hand coordinating all of the messages they're putting out.

If anyone knows how to get people's attention, its you. Sure, I'll tell them that you can come up with all kinds of samples of other things that you've written. After they sign the the retainer. Listen Bernie, this is a time for creative talent and you're a hot property. After all, not everybody has you writing for them these days!

Don't worry. I told them they could always scroll to the right and ask you a question personally, and we can even arrange a conference call.

Keep your upper lip stiff and your mouth closed. And, no more lunches with Kotz for a while.
I don't care that he brought in sandwiches from The Stage. Yes, he left some discount coupons with me too. He also sent me a case of Caoni Chocolate. Yes. He's a nice boy, he's just very confused.

Yes, Shana should have married him, instead. Next time, Bernie. There's always a next time.

I'll see you tomorrow.

Ike.

What's that?
Yes. I want you to work on calling me "Ike" instead of Ira.
I prefer that name.
I've been telling you this for years.
I told you why. It makes me feel like Eisenhower.
Work with me on this Bernie. Aside from the $2 million retainer, I really haven't asked for that much.

Yes, I'm sure you'd like to think that I'll "make it up in spades" when I write the full story and the sell the movie rights.
It doesn't work that way Bernie. It wouldn't be ethical. Not without your written permission.

Don't worry. We can have Marcia or Shana sign off on the documents.

This is the book I want you to read.

P.S. Of course you remember about Paul suing that Beast...You laughed so hard when I told you, I thought you were going to plotz!

Full post as published by Bernard Madoff on June 23, 2009 (boomark / email).