Law Humor

Twas the Day Before Testifying...

Sure, there's something missing from this picture, but I've only just finished my first class in photoshop, and ButtHole only has one computer to practice on!

OK, so there's maybe more than one picture that's missing. But, as meshugenah Steve Harbeck will no doubt be telling Barney Fife (sorry, Barney Frank) & Co when he testifies tomorrow, its all one big complicated puzzle. And, my trying to paint a picture on this damn thing is alot tougher than printing out all of those monthly statements! Ha!

While we're on that topic, Jodi tells me that Picard "borrowed" a case of printer cartridges from our warehouse to send out almost 8000 identical denial letters to God-Knows-who.

What the f--k is he doing using our cartridges?? Those people never should have even been invited to submit claims in the first place!! Its not as if they were account holders!

But Irv knew that from the outset, and 90% of the hours he's billed out for has been rubber stamping claim denial forms. Whatta racket! And using my printer cartridges?!

[Steve, I know you're reading this, so I'm thinking that when Chuck and Barney, and maybe Max look past the "great accomplishments" that you've made this year on behalf of SIPC, and the fact that you've "saved tens of millions" by only paying out a few hundred people what they're entitled to, maybe you should show him that special calculator you've told Irv Picard to use for figuring out the value of "net equity" . You know--the one that has you figuring that (2)+(2)=(4)-(3)=(-2).

I'm thinking that Barney will be so impressed with that special calculator, he'll insist that Tim Geithner buys a boatload! (But whatever you do, don't let Jamie Dimon see it--let him wait until it becomes an iPhone download application!)

Back to you Jodi--every year we've had a firm party, so there's no reason why this year should be any different! Use that Black Amex that I left for you, and don't spare any expenses!

I'm thinking everyone will like Houston's; across from the office. Make it BYOD (bring your own donuts); that way the badge boys working on 17 can feel like they're part of the festivities too. Maybe you can bring in Frankie D. , and he can sing a few more tunes? Ha! Get it??

Anyway, if you can't figure how to do this right, call the party planner that Andy's been noodling after. This gal is supposedly Tiger's #11; that should add to the festivities, but what would I know?

Speaking of festivities--let me tell you right now that the stock market party is over for the time being. Kaput.

Have I ever been wrong? Of course not. Trust me.

And, as long as everyone is asking my opinion, I'll repeat what I've said before: the Afghanistan thing is completely nuts. Maybe not as nuts as Picard not breaking Dimon's stones about the $250 mill that he sneaked out of the firm, but its still completely nuts.

This is what I think: carpet-bomb the f--king border with Pakistan; it'll cost maybe a few million bucks. Problem solved.

They don't want us in Afghanistan, and since they don't even have any oil, why the f--k would we make the same mistakes those stupid Russians made years ago? Can anyone spell V-i-e-t-n-a-m?? One of my new friends in here says that it cost the same amount to build one school in Afghanistan as it does to pay for the cost of sending one US soldier over there for an entire year.

I say, the hell with building those people schools--they'll just use them to teach those kids to hate us even more! Use the money to build a few schools here! Or maybe use the money to let Geithner buy some more AIG stock, what the f--k, its all the same thing!

Enough said....

No wait--Ruthie- tell Andy that he's not getting any Chanukah present this year unless he stops the ranting and whining..

BLM

Full post as published by Bernard Madoff on December 07, 2009 (boomark / email).