Law Humor

Madoff 2009: Bernie's Band of Renown and New Year Resolutions

From: Ira Sorkin, Esq.
To: Fans of Bernard Madoff et al.

Aside from my coming up short on the retainer from my client, I've been given the dubious distinction of assembling and publishing a short list of New Year's resolutions submitted to Bernie by his family, friends, former employees, associates, and many others that have become affiliated with my client.

From: Francis Dimes DiPascali
My New Year's resolution is to discover every different angle by which I can stick my thumb up my ass while I'm sitting here in this cage that the Feds have stuck me in.

From: Mark (not the son) Madoff

Dad-My New Year's resolution is to make sure that my whistle-blower claim for having the cajones to turn you in nets me at least $50 million, and to take that money and not share it with anybody!

From: Jeff Picower

Bernie--Tell Ike that my resolution for the New Year is to partner with Ken Lay and create a hedge fund focused on dead assets. The first acquisition we'll make in 2010 is the City of Detroit!! Sure, you think that I'm dead. Anybody that had received statements from you for the past 20 years should appreciate that you can't believe everything you read! Ha!

From: Bob Jaffee

Bernie: I'm going to do everything I can to make sure that my nickname "Dopamine" is deleted from your god-damn blog! Aside from that, I'm going to campaign for the job of Palm Beach Country Club President, and I'm going to win!

From: Steve Harbecht

On behalf of myself, Irv Picard, and the rest of our staff, our resolution for the New Year is very simple: to set a new standard in bad faith claims management.

From:Linda Thomsen

Bernie, I'm resolved to accept Janet Napolitano's offer to become her second-in-command at Homeland Security. Mary Shapiro has already lobbyed on my behalf for the job, but just in case I need some additional letters of recommendation, I know I can count on you! God Bless!

From: Sheryl Weinstein. Oy. I guess my New Year's resolution is to make sure that I always keep a good supply of chap stick wherever I go!

From: Nan Bongiorno
Bernie, Bernie, Bernie.. My resolution is to make sure that my new lawyer is willing to accept the Amex Black Card that you gave me last November!

From: Erin Arvedlund

Bernie- You told me years ago that I'd have better luck as a TV talking head than I would trying to raise the red flag on your business. Well, since the morons at Barron's wouldn't let me follow up on the story that I wrote back in the day, and since it took years until my story proved right, its obvious that you've got the wisdom of Midas. So my resolution is to take Maria B's place on CNBC!

From: Ike Sorkin

I don't have the time to finish uploading all of the other letters today, but Bernie insisted that I keep everyone on their toes, as its the least he can do to keep everyone entertained.

So, wishing you a Happy New Year and inviting you to keep tuning in. Once Bernie's fingers stop trembling, you can be sure that he'll guarantee a good return on your investment!

Full post as published by Bernard Madoff on December 31, 2009 (boomark / email).