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#Madoff Hump Day

From: Bernie
To: Ezra

Boobala! With CNBC about to announce they're adding me to their line-up of talking heads, suffice to say that my opinions on all kinds of things are in big demand (again!)

Here's my opinion;
1. You need to have your lawyer quash that request from  Bamberger the Hamburger! Even if the art market has picked up again and the "marks" have your portfolio up $50 million for the month, what with your getting clipped for almost $2mil on that arbitration, you don't need any f--king records unsealed that might cause an avalanche of lawsuits to descend on your house.

2. Speaking of heads; get yourself a toupee, or do something that will keep people from mistaking you for that guy Chris Oynes, the schmuck from Dept of Interior that just "retired" after being fingered as the top turd that was supposed to protect us from sh*t like that oil spill in the Gulf.

3. I laughed when reading about GM's latest earnings. Sounds like someone used the same QuickBook package that you installed at GMAC! BTW, since you got that package from me, somebody needs to make sure that the software license for that is renewed!   

BLM

To: Mark
From: Your Dad

Tell your meshuganah brother that his idea about a global franchise for gold bar-dispensing ATM machines is not half-bad. Its' not half-good, but its not half-bad.

I'm becoming more certain every day that the people at North Shore gave us the wrong kid when we picked him up, so there's no f--king way that I will let your mother give him the keys to the warehouse for this, or any other idea!

Tell him for me that if he was a real Madoff, he'd stuff those ATM machines with gold-painted bars, not the real ones from our private stock! If he actually wants to do an ATM business, tell him to pay attention to that oil trader Fisher, the chubby bald kid that appeared on CNBC today (they call him the "Logical Trader"); from what Junior and I heard,  ATM machines should be dispensing quarts of crude oil--that's the next global currency, not gold!

Speaking of sh*t, your idea of having a twitter page called "Sh*tMyDadDid" to knock off the "Sh*tMyDadSays" site is not going to get you a TV sitcom deal. If my blog hasn't scored any Hollywood deals, your idea certainly isn't going to!

But, if your treatment actually does gets sold, tell Howie Lutnick over at Cantor that I'll throw in a few gold bars so he can send them down to the people at CFTC and push this new rule through. If they're going to let people short box office receipts, then I'm going to want to short whatever stupid show they make for you!

Last, I know you like telling people that working on a trading desk was like a battle zone; but stop telling people that you fought in Iraq. That guy Blumenthal in Connecticut just got caught doing the same thing, and now it might blow up in his face.  Trust Me. I'm the expert at telling people what they want to hear.
Love,
Your Dad, Bernie

To: Mary Shapiro
From: Bernie

I'm glad to know that my circuit-breaker recommendation was so well-received. But, why you neglected to include ETF's is a head-scratcher.

Since I've scratched your back, I'd appreciate your having a word with Gary Gensler about this movie futures trading thing. I think its a good idea to let Lutnick open up the exchange. It'll provide a lot more transparency. You should remember that I said the same thing when people griped about NASDAQ and electronic trading, and now look how right I've been proven! 
Bernie

Full post as published by Bernard Madoff on May 20, 2010 (boomark / email).