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Law Humor

Anonymous Attorney

Stories from the trenches, by a fictional hiring partner at a large law firm in a major city.
By Anonymous Lawyer (Jeremy Blachman)

Post Frequency: 0.6/day

Last Entry: July 22, 2020 at 12:48:00

I'm feeling a little guilty today.

Posted on June 16, 2007
I'm feeling a little guilty today. Not too guilty, but a little bit. It's not really my fault, but an associate died in a train mishap this afternoon. She was trying to make it back to the office with a box of documents we sent her across town to pick up, and she drove through the railroad crossing right as the bar was coming down, and got plowed down by a train...

I'm very excited for this afternoon.

Posted on June 05, 2007
I'm very excited for this afternoon. We've set up our first-ever summer associate "afternoon movie break" to go see "Knocked Up." In my e-mail to the summers, I set it up as a cautionary tale of what can happen if any of them have sex. A career is too important to risk...

We lost another associate today.

Posted on May 31, 2007
We lost another associate today. Apparently he's annoyed that I ran him over with my car last month. I was late to a deposition. He was in my way. I had to get out of the parking garage as quickly as I could. It's not that I didn't see him. I just didn't think the firm needed him as much as it needed me to be at that deposition, and even if he'd be on medical leave for a few weeks, he wasn't getting much done anyway and me being there a few minutes earlier was going to end up being much more beneficial to the firm...

Our new crop of summers started

Posted on May 23, 2007
Our new crop of summers started yesterday. I added a couple of recent movie clips to my orientation speech. Thank You For Smoking, to show it's okay to defend people who, at first glance, seem to be doing bad things. Bridge to Terabithia, to show the summer associates that sometimes even when life seems dreadful, you can always invent a fantasy world where you get to go home sometimes and see your family...

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Roger Clemens reminds me what's

Posted on May 06, 2007
Roger Clemens reminds me what's right about the world. In case you missed it, this afternoon he announced that he's signed with the Yankees. Most players sign with teams during the offseason, go to spring training, and then try and play the whole season...

I just left a message on an associate's

Posted on April 21, 2007
I just left a message on an associate's cell phone. He was supposed to meet me in the office this morning to work on some document review, but he didn't show up. He sent me an e-mail that his wife is in the hospital, but apparently she's still alive...

Another quick post, not in character:

Posted on April 16, 2007
Another quick post, not in character: I'm going to be out in LA for the next couple of weeks, for some TV-writer staffing meetings my agent is setting up. I had an Anonymous Lawyer sitcom pilot script in development at a network earlier in the year, but they decided not to go forward with it...

A reader alerted me to an article

Posted on April 14, 2007
A reader alerted me to an article in today's New York Daily News about a lawyer who leaped to his death from an office on the 69th floor of the Empire State Building. "He was interviewing a client," said a man who works in the suite. "He just got up, opened the window and jumped...

I'm sorry. I received enough negative

Posted on April 05, 2007
I'm sorry. I received enough negative responses to my April Fools Day post that I've been persuaded to remove it from the site. In retrospect, I should not have named names, even in jest. The attorneys I called out for their behavior in the recruiting process, as litigators, and as representatives of the profession are not necessarily bad people, and the accusations I made were based mostly on speculation and rumor, not fact...

I've received a number of e-mails

Posted on March 27, 2007
I've received a number of e-mails asking for my thoughts on Aaron Charney's sexual orientation discrimination suit against Sullivan & Cromwell, an undistinguished law firm with only seven graduates of Ivy League law schools in their Los Angeles branch office...

A reader sent me a link to a Washington

Posted on March 22, 2007
A reader sent me a link to a Washington Post article from a couple of weeks ago about a law student who's finding it hard to get a job and thinks it might be because of some negative things written about her on a message board. Apparently, the student interviewed with 16 firms, got only 4 callbacks, and no offers...

I received an e-mail this week

Posted on March 18, 2007
I received an e-mail this week from a real go-getter. I'll reprint the e-mail below. I wish I could help him, but ever since an incident with the Labor Department a few years ago, we've been unable to secure work permits for anyone under 16 years of age...

There's a blood drive going on

Posted on March 14, 2007
There's a blood drive going on in the lobby of our building today. One of my colleagues e-mailed the firm offering to buy dinner for whoever gives the most blood. Predictably, it's started a string of e-mails among the associates (I'm only getting a chance to read them because I make it a habit of tapping into some of my associates' e-mails to keep up-to-date on firm gossip and stop complaints before they escalate into rebellions) about how they already give enough blood to the firm, and they shouldn't be asked to give any more...

I just set up an Anonymous Lawyer

Posted on March 10, 2007
I just set up an Anonymous Lawyer fantasy baseball league on Yahoo.Similar to last year, but a couple fewer teams, since the free agent pool became pretty dire. Also, this year I'll win.The Yahoo Fantasy Baseball link is here. Click to get a team > Join League > Join Custom...

Slate has an article about the

Posted on March 09, 2007
Slate has an article about the $200,000 bonuses that most firms offer to lure former Supreme Court clerks to their offices, and how that's a lot much more money that those folks would make if they go teach or become a special prosecutor or a public defender...

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