Law Humor

June 2003 - How Do You Define Drunk?From

Posted on January 16, 2009
June 2003 - How Do You Define Drunk?From Judge Buddie J. Hahn, Texas Bar Journal, Vol. 50, No. 11 ? December 1987.Q. On the day that Twine was shot, were you intoxicated?A. I definitely was not.Q. Had you been drinking that day?A. I drank a few beers...

April 1993 - Did I Really Hear

Posted on January 15, 2009
April 1993 - Did I Really Hear That?From Bonnie Cade of Arlington, this testimony taken by her daughter, Betty Lynn Cade, who is a court reporter in Nashville, TN - "Where reporters follow their clients through discovery into the courtroom where they take the testimony":Q...

June 1996 - The Perils of Pro SeFrom

Posted on January 14, 2009
June 1996 - The Perils of Pro SeFrom Gregg A. Marchessault of Tyler (Gregg is an assistant U.S. attorney for the Eastern District of Texas), this prayer from the brief of defendant-appellant filed in the Fifth Circuit by a pro se prisoner who, after his bank robbery conviction, filed a suit seeking the "return of the money that was seized by the FBI as his bank robbery loot":ConclusionTherefore all things considered, this appellant respectfully requests this court to cause an order to issue, ordering the FBI to return the currency in the amount of $6,600 that was seized from him...

November 2005 - Not Even CloseFrom

Posted on January 13, 2009
November 2005 - Not Even CloseFrom Mark W. Laney of Plainview(Laney & Stokes), these excerpts from Rudd Owen?s cross-examination of the plaintiff in a state court case:Q. How old is your son?A. 33.Q. What does he do for a living?A. He?s a general manager of Hobby Lobby in Chicago...

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June 1990 - I?m Glad We Cleared

Posted on January 12, 2009
June 1990 - I?m Glad We Cleared That UpFrom March Lynn Rothmas of Beaumont (Benckenstein, Oxford, etc.), this remarkable(!) excerpt from a deposition taken by Mary Ellen Blade, a partner at the same firm:Q. Did you die, as far as you know?A. I don?t know nothing...

October 1997 - And You, Sir, Are

Posted on January 09, 2009
October 1997 - And You, Sir, Are AdiosFrom Versal Rush of Wichita Falls (Versal is the first assistant public defender), this exchange that took place in a competency trial before Judge Keith Nelson (78th District Court). The client believed that he spoke to Elvis and animals (especially a certain rooster); he claimed to have been, among other things, "a lawyer, judge, doctor, porno producer/director/star, parapsychologist," etc...

July 1987 - Do You Swear to Tell

Posted on January 08, 2009
July 1987 - Do You Swear to Tell the Truth...Judge: (To young witness) Do you know what would happen to you if you told a lie?Witness: Yes, I would go to hell.Judge: Is that all?Witness: Isn't that enough?

May 1999 - The "By Golly Objection"This

Posted on January 07, 2009
May 1999 - The "By Golly Objection"This contribution was sent to me by James M. Ziegler, Ph.D., of Houston (Ncompass Research, Inc.) James, who is an expert in "biomechanics and injury causation analysis," found this rather unique objection made in a deposition by his client, an attorney who "had hoped to never be quoted in [the et cetera] of the Texas Bar Journal...

May 1998 - The Closing ArgumentJoseph

Posted on January 06, 2009
May 1998 - The Closing ArgumentJoseph A. Esparza of San Antonio (Joseph is an assistant criminal district attorney) submits a truly classic closing argument made by his former partner, Ellen Wheeler-Walter, during a misdemeanor trial. Ellen's argument, which was promptly followed by a verdict for the State, was simply:"She did it...

July 1999 - Classic TyposFrom Lillie

Posted on January 05, 2009
July 1999 - Classic TyposFrom Lillie Knight of Houston (Lillie is an assistant city attorney), this typo in a letter she received from a property tax consultant:Dear Ms. Knight:... Thank you for your business, and please send your fiends our way.Please return before May 31st...

May 1999 - Written in BloodFrom

Posted on January 02, 2009
May 1999 - Written in BloodFrom Mikal S. Lambert of Wichita Falls (Fillmore & Purtle), this excerpt from a deposition in a death case where a motorist had run over a pedestrian. Mikal is cross-examining the DPS trooper who had supervised the drawing of blood from the decedent for a blood-alcohol test...

May 1985 - Were You in the Military

Posted on December 29, 2008
May 1985 - Were You in the Military ServiceQ. Were you in the Army?A. No sir, I didn't go.Q. Why?A. Well, when I was ready to leave they said, 'Well, everything is over,' and I say, 'Okay,' So I didn't go.

January 2000 - Did They Really

Posted on December 24, 2008
January 2000 - Did They Really Say That?From W. Marc McDonald of Fort Worth (Bourland, Smith, etc.), this "classically confused" statement made by one of his partners, William R. Korlo, Jr. during a recent deposition.Mr. Korlo: All right. Let me turn your attention to Plaintiff's Exhibit No...

July 1994 - Did He Really Say That?From

Posted on December 23, 2008
July 1994 - Did He Really Say That?From Martin Randal Merritt of Dallas, this excerpt from the plaintiff's deposition.Q. Have you ever been injured before?A. No. I'll swear on my mother's eyes to that.Q. Where is your mother?

January 2002 - Did They Really

Posted on December 16, 2008
January 2002 - Did They Really Say That?From Al Ellis of Dallas (Al is of counsel with Howie & Sweeney), this excerpt from ?a routine personal injury deposition? in which he received ?the final answer as to why the divorce occurred.?Q. What was the reason for your mom?s first divorce, if you know?A...

May 1989 - I'm Glad We Cleared

Posted on December 15, 2008
May 1989 - I'm Glad We Cleared That UpJudge William L. Baskette, Jr. of Kerr County sends this "unplanned discussion" which took place in a hearing before him:The Court: And what is the basis of your motion? Do you have any case law or anything you'd like to cite to the Court at this time?Attorney: In our last hearing in this case, I was left here with the thought that the Court had said based on some 25 cases of Mr...

November 2008 - Lawyers Are A Scary

Posted on December 11, 2008
November 2008 - Lawyers Are A Scary ThingFrom Joshua T. Kutchin of Dallas (Fanning, Harper & Martinson), this excerpt from the deposition of the plaintiff, a Dallas Area Rapid Transit bus driver who grew up in Ethiopia ? and who seemed ?a little overwhelmed by the deposition process?:Q...

June 1989 - Did I Really Say That?From

Posted on December 10, 2008
June 1989 - Did I Really Say That?From a telephone hearing conducted by one of the bankruptcy judges in Dallas: the judge has been advised that 12 attorneys are ready for him on the conference call.The Court: Okay. Thank you. I'm going to give the decision on the motion...

February 1997 - I'm Not Sober,

Posted on December 09, 2008
February 1997 - I'm Not Sober, But ...From David L. Traylor of Dallas, this exchange that took place recently before U.S. District Judge Joe Kendall (Dallas Division, Northern District of Texas):Judge: As you stand here today, are you sober?Defendant: No, I'm not sober...

November 2008 - Did They Really

Posted on December 08, 2008
November 2008 - Did They Really Say That?From Lloyd A. Muennink of Austin, this excerpt from the deposition of a fact witness for the plaintiff in "a drilling mud land farming case regarding libel and slander" - where the defense attorney was "constantly asking what the [plaintiff's] attorney told him or discussed after every break in the deposition...

April 2007 - The Sound of SilenceThis

Posted on December 05, 2008
April 2007 - The Sound of SilenceThis contribution is from Randy Wilson of Abilene, who writes that several years ago in the 326th District Court in Taylor County, preceding a custody trial, before Judge Aleta Hacker, a novice attorney was conducting a closed end voir dire by asking questions of the panel such as:Q...

April 2001 - Did They Really Say

Posted on December 04, 2008
April 2001 - Did They Really Say That?From Jeffrey C. Lewis of Texarkana, this exchange that took place during his cross-examination of the female plaintiff in a medical malpractice trial in Bowie County.Mr. Lewis: I'm not asking you for a medical opinion, but as far as you're concerned (the defendant doctor's) surgery, his technique, what he did with your right foot, fixed all the problems you were complaining about?Plaintiff's Attorney: Objection...

May 1999 - Those JurorsFrom Judge

Posted on December 03, 2008
May 1999 - Those JurorsFrom Judge Alvin G. Khoury of Longview (124th District Court), these answers by two different jurors to the same question in a juror questionnaire he used in a recent capital murder trial.35. What is the highest grade you completed in school?A: 10036...

September 1999 - Did They Really

Posted on November 21, 2008
September 1999 - Did They Really Say That?From Ilse D. Bailey of Kerrville (Ilse is an assistant county attorney of Kerr County), this exchange that took place after the defendant had entered a plea of guilty to a Class B misdemeanor theft charge - pawning a stolen Black & Decker drill for $5...

November 1998 - Beware of ExpertsFrom

Posted on November 20, 2008
November 1998 - Beware of ExpertsFrom Walter L. Taylor of Houston (Harris & Taylor), this excerpt from a deposition his partner, Steve Harris, was taking of a "fairly well-respected" doctor at a major medical facility in Houston." Steve is trying to establish that the standard of care at the hospital "might be higher than that of Steve's client" who, "let's just say, practices in West Podunk...

May 1998 - Did They Really Say

Posted on November 19, 2008
May 1998 - Did They Really Say That?From Marc J. Shrake of Minneapolis (Zelle & Larson), this excerpt from the deposition of his client, the owner of a tree removal service.Q. Now, is the crew responsible to keep track of the number of trees that are removed or trimmed?A...

November 2008 - Did They Really

Posted on November 17, 2008
November 2008 - Did They Really Say That?From Bruce R. Hardesty of Austin (King & Hardesty), this excerpt from the deposition he took of a witness to a hit-and-run automobile accident - who, with his mother's help, got the license number of the car in question [____38D]...

September 2001 - Doing Voir Dire

Posted on November 14, 2008
September 2001 - Doing Voir Dire From Pierre T. Williams of El Paso (Pierre is an Assistant County attorney), this excerpt from voir dire in a juvenile delinquency proceeding.Mr. Williams: We're going to have police officers testify. Does anyone believe that they always tell the truth or always lie? Anyone, by a show of hands...

November 1998 - Did They Really

Posted on November 13, 2008
November 1998 - Did They Really Say That?From Jeff Patterson of Dallas (Hartline, Dacus, Dreyer & Kern), this "very strange and humorous deposition" excerpt in one of his firm's cases.Q. Tell me all the people that made the trip from ...A. It was my mother, father, and my daughter...

July 1998 - Classic Typos(1) From

Posted on November 12, 2008
July 1998 - Classic Typos(1) From "a reprint of Roe v. Wade in a prominent constitutional law case book:" The third reason is the State's interest [in] protecting prenatal life. Some of the argument for this justification rests on the theory that a new human life is present from the moment of contraception...

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