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Busting Bernie's Balls..

To: Mrs. Ruth Madoff
From: Jeffrey Immelt, CEO General Electric Corp.

Dear Mrs. Madoff-

On behalf of the entire GE family, other than Jane Wells, who we all agree does a fantastic job of fair and balanced reporting, I want to extend my apology to you for the manner in which the other CNBC news staff have behaved during the past few weeks.

After reading your husband's mea culpas during yesterday's sentencing procedure, it occurred to me that for years, many of us throughout corporate America, not just your husband and whoever aided him, have simply been dishing out what the mass audience wants, irregardless of ethics, morals, or the potential impact of what we say or do will have on un-educated, naive, gullible, irresponsible, lazy, "know-it-all", and easily-manipulated people.

This is a topic that we here at GE are sensitive to, especially now that third-party analysts are calling us out on balance sheet issues, not to mention rumours about the FTC's pending investigation re: our audience traffic reports and the claims that we make insofar as the size of our viewership.

And, when you click on the photo, you'll appreciate that Jon Stewart did a superb job of bringing this matter to the forefront during last night's interview with one of our commentators, Jim Cramer.

But before you click on the interview, I need to offer a specific apology for the manner in which Larry Kudlow and Donny Douche (excuse me, Deutsch) have conducted themselves when referencing your husband, and more specifically; inuendos and completely unfounded accusations with regard to yourself and your family members.

As you know, Kudlow is a former cocaine addict, and like many of those with substance abuse issues, there's a tendency to fall off the wagon. We've reviewed his recent ranting and raving and its apparent to everyone that GE and our subsidiary NBC need to take a harder look at, and invest more resources with regard to the drug-testing procedures that we impose on our staff.

With respect to Donny's behavior, we've actually spoken to a number of Fresh Meadows Country Club members, along with a number of interns at NBC, and we've confirmed the "tips" that Harry Markopolos sent us many months ago with evidence pointing to Donny being a serial date-raper, and its possible that he too has a substance abuse issue. Or, as you pointed out, he is the most disingenuous and hypocritical person that appears on our broadcasts.

We're hoping that we'll be able to secure additional capital to fund training and internal drug testing via the TART, or perhaps FART, or even the TALF programs that GE Capital is privy to via the new programs that Ben Bernake and Tim Geithner are administering.

In the interim, maybe you could send over some of your new TALC, as we've all been shvitzing
no thanks to Jon Stewart's media activism.

On a more serious note; we've noticed that your husband's blog has been the source of infotainment for tens of thousands of people, and that other media platforms have credited the blog with exclusive reporting and ground-breaking commentary.

To the extent that Bernie may encounter some obstacles insofar as his personally updating the blog twice per day, 7 days per week, as he has over the past several months, on behalf of NBC, we'd like to extend an exclusive contract to you (which would also cover any other enablers) to continue the maintenance of the content on the blog.

Based on the blog's traffic reports provided by Annette B. and Konigsberg's firm, we've shared future traffic projections to our advertisers, and their feedback indicates that sponsorship and endorsement contracts could generate more than enough revenue to allow us to reinstate the recent cuts to our dividend.

We also believe that GE and NBC promotional resources would provide a significant lift to the merchandising of products that are promoted within the blog. As Bernie would say "Scroll to the right!"

Please let me know your thoughts at the earliest. G-d forbid FOX, or any other network were to get their hands on this property.

Most Sincerely,
Jeff Immelt

P.S. For what its worth, the attorneys at GE Finance are preparing a special opinion that should comfort many of those who are concerned about "clawback" issues.

We will be sharing this memo with you first, but we believe that many Madoff investors would want to leverage Florida's Homestead provisions in much the same way that you, other family members, and many others who were associated with your firm.

The Florida real estate market provides historic opportunities with respect to investment and the Homestead provisions will shelter hundreds of people from the potential of having to return profits that were paid to them over the past many years. We've actually enlisted a real estate broker in Florida to assist those people, and for those interested in his contact information, we'd encourage them to click on this link.

Full post as published by Bernard Madoff on March 13, 2009 (boomark / email).