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CNBC Interview With Bernie: Un-Biased and Unedited Version

April 1 exclusive interview with CNBC's Jane Wells has been reprinted in full without the permission of GE, NBC Universal or CNBC, because they edited the original version, and WE DON'T NEED THEIR PERMISSION. All rights reserved.

JW: Hi Bernie, I can call you Bernie, right?

BLM: You can call me anything you want, Janey (wink wink)

JW: Well, thank you for agreeing to answer a few of my questions. Here we go -

JW: How are you doing in jail?

BLM: How would you think I'd be doing?? This place is a f*#ing animal pen. Instead of the SEC looking up my a--s all of the time, now there's a bunch of storm troopers doing the same thing and more every time I take a shower!

JW: What about jail is harder than you expected?

BLM: The bed is very hard. Ruth had a special mattress made for us. The bagels are hard, but not as bad as the place around the corner from my co-op. The guys in the shower when I'm there - they are ALL harder than I had ever imagined anyone could be . OUCH ! Damn it hurts to sit.

Anyway, not having doors on the crapper is something I'm getting used to. The toilet paper was very rough, but they brought in a supply of our Madoff TP. Very soft. Scroll to the right and buy some for yourself!

JW: What about jail is easier than you expected?

BLM: I don't have to listen to Ruth kvetch every time I belch or have a flatulation event.

JW: how do the other inmates treat you? anyone recognize you?

BLM: Everyone is actually very nice. The white guys all know me, the black guys and Hispanic guys were THRILLED when my prison number came in two weeks ago on the lotto - that really made me some friends. A couple of them even come up to me in the shower to give me a hug. Some of them way too intimate. OY, I'm glad I've got my Soapopular saniitizer.

JW: Any famous visitors?

BLM: Who could be any more famous than me??

JW: Any current or former inmates giving you advice? Martha Stewart? Bernie Ebbers? Michael Milken?

BLM: I don't know anybody that's been in this place, and I don't personally know the people you've asked about. I actually shorted WorldCom and made a fortune a few years ago . Check the statements that Jodi sent out to investors. Ruth said that Martha Stewart offered to co-author her next cook book, but I don't know that Martha really cooks any better than Ruth ever did.

JW: Where did the $50 billion, or whatever it is, go? By the way, how much was it, really?

BLM: This is what nobody understands. They're all morons. Why not ask where all of that FART (I mean TARP) money went? That's the question you shold be asking Congressman Barney Flubber Frank, or maybe Hank Paulson! How about asking "What happened to the $100 billion in AIG market value? Where did that go?? Or what happened to all the money that Fannie and Freddie had?? How about the loans to GM?? Oy..

Janey, the fact is we didn't have anything close to $50 billion. It was closer to $15 billion. Tops. Crumbs compared to what Congress is giving away right now. But, most of that went back to investors. Whenever anybody wanted to redeem and draw a check, Jodi or Frank sent them a check. Ask them. Believe me, people did a lot better than they would let anyone know. They lived great for twenty years .. Another bunch of money went to paying commissions to people that were feeding off my teet. You've read about them; Ezra, Walter, Sonja, Sonny & Sonny. etc. Sure, we had expenses, and we had to take care of people. No different than any other big company.

JW: How's the food?

BLM: Not as good as Primola used to be --and Ruth is boycotting the place now. But, I actually prefer bland foods. I'm good with a piece of grilled chicken or a piece of fish. I'm a simple guy. Anything too rich gives me gas. But, they should learn to slice the nova a bit thinner here. The stuff they serve here looks like tongue. I 've got an account in the commissary that Cohmad set up, and I get oreos, some granola, and some candy. Beyond that, I don't complain.

JW: How are you and Ruth getting along? I've heard rumors that you may have been stepping out on her...

BLM: Jane-if you couldn't tell from the f***ing shackles around my legs, I'm not "stepping" very far. I get as far as the shower, and trust me, there aren't any blond bombshells there!

But to answer your question, Ruth is the love of my life and she knows it, despite whatever crap that guy Felder might be feeding her. Christ-I gave her a $10 million gift on our wedding anniversary, and that was just two weeks before this whole mess started!

JW: How do you pass the time?

BLM: I get a bunch of visits from half of the alphabet. SEC, FBI, DOJ, FDIC, even the FDA..Don't ask me why. But, I'm usually confined by myself for most of the day, so I'm exercising, doing some song writing, a little poetry, and working on a book.

JW: Planning any new ways to make money? Who would you rather have in charge of running your next venture-- Rick Wagoner, John Thain, or Jimmy Cayne?

BLM: That was two questions Janey, I'll have to charge you a commission for the second one.

Aside from Madoff Mania, our merchandise company that my kids are running, we've got the MIDAS Fund all set to go --that's Madoff Investor Distressed Asset Sale...Shana's husband Eric is doing the filing with the SEC; he knows the ropes. And, we've got a backlog of very nice properties and art pieces that we'll be putting into the portfolio once the TALC funding is available. Jamie Dimon over at JPMorgan is probably going to use the $250 million he took out of BMIS last October and re-invest it into MIDAS, but don't tell anyone that. We're also thinking of rolling in everyone's tax loss carry forwards so that the LLC never has to pay taxes. I've got my brother Peter and some other people working on that.

Who do I want to run the next venture? Not Dick Wagoner, even though we both liked to pay our workers 5x what they were worth. F--king unions destroyed this country. Thain? He asked for too big of a signing bonus, and I can't afford to re-decorate the offices. Ridiculous. And, he talks too much. Did you see that Baritoromo interview?? Jimmy Cayne's a good guy. But I don't know what he's smoking. They're not Davidoff's, trust me.

JW: Who won't return your email?

BLM: I'm not a big email guy. Never was. You never know who might come up with some old dirt. I made sure everything was deleted every week. But, that fruitcake Donny Douche or Deutche, whatever his name is, hasn't returned my note. Neither has your boss, Zucker. What's up with him, Jane?? I'm Midas Madoff for Chrissake!

JW: Who will return your emails?

BLM:: Ira does, of course. He usually includes his latest bill. Tim Geithner sent a note and asked if I had any extra printer cartridges. Al Greenspan asked me for some talking points. Sonja Kohn sent me her new mailing address, she said she never got the checks that we sent.

Oh yeah, all the publishers that want an exclusive , which I am only giving to you sweetheart. I hope you LOVE the Bentley - don't thank me.. thank Ruth. No, come to think of it.. thank me instead, and I will tell you exactly how -- if you want to tell me if you're a natural blond.

Aside, I've got hundreds of new fans now, and they drop me a line through the blog. There's a little hottie at some law firm that keeps emailing, but she won't send me her photo.

JW: What advice do you have for future Ponzi schemers?

BLM: The whole "Ponzi scheme" thing is a media term. If I made any mistakes, it wasn't installing gates. Sure, we had a gate in Palm Beach, and one in our place in Montauk. But we didn't have gates for the greedy bastards that wanted to redeem early. So much for being a nice guy.

JW: Who's your favorite cellmate?

BLM: I have a private room. Ira took care of that. He likes to be called Ike. but I won't go into that. There's a guy named Frankie S. next door. He's Rudy's cousin, twice removed. Anyway, he's saving my life in here. He cooks, he tells me what to do and when. A real mensch. I would sell him some shares, but his wife won 't write the check to Cohmad. You should only taste his Spaghetti Putanesca.You know what Putanesca means, don't you darling girl? I'll tell you later when you 're thanking me ..

JW: Are defibrillators available on-demand at the jail or only as a reward for good behavior?

BLM: Very cute question. NO! You got your hands, and you got some guy down the hall. Not much of a choice But, the fact is, the defibs weren't my idea. They were Ruth's. Sure, they're good for special occasions, but its a girl's thing.

JW: What are you trading inside jail for favors?

BLM: My friends at Topps just introduced a new trading card. Beyond that, everyone's begging me for favors. Nothing's changed.

JW: Any victims come by to visit? How did that go?

BLM: I don't know anything about "victims". Casualties, maybe. Its all about market timing. Anybody that says that they were a "victiim", I tell them to call Irving Picard.

JW: Who should play you in the movie? Who should play Ruth?

BLM: Let me tell you, nobody can make a movie unless I green light it. But, I'll let Stevie Spielberg or Jeff Katzenberg deal with who plays who. If I had a choice, Larry David would play my role. Ruth's part? I can maybe get you the role, if you're interested, and if you want to go on the couch and audition. Otherwise, maybe Joan Rivers; Ruthie's always thought she was good.

JW: What do you miss most of all?

BLM: Aside from my Baby Ruth, Jodi, and the Caoni Chocolates that I have shipped in from Ecuador, I miss Willy. He's blind as a bat, but he's someone I could always count on to deliver something, or pick something up. If you don't know Willy, read in between the lines at my blog.

Full post as published by Bernard Madoff on April 01, 2009 (boomark / email).