Law Humor

Let's be Frank..

Irv:

I've been on this file for less than a week, but I have to tell you, I've never seen such a cluster-f@#k in my entire career!

We've got two different judges, God-knows how many clawyers, and how many lawsuits flying around faster than this new Avian Flu virus....BTW--Can you get me some of that Soapopular hand sanitizer, or do I have to f--king scroll to the right and order it myself?? Do they take PayPal?? Citi f--king raised the interest rate on my credit cards and I'm trying to hold off using them as much as possible.

But anyway, what were you thinking when you sent out those letters to those poor shlameels? Now half the damn world is confused, and you've got a bunch of old farts crapping their pants. From the inventory records, there isn't nearly enough Madoff Mania Toilet Paper that could come close to cleaning up the mess that you're making! But I'm scrolling to the right to make sure that my office has plenty on hand.

And, how is it that you forgot to send clawyer claims over to the big machas that took out hundreds of millions within just a few months of Bernie's place shitting the bed??

OK--So Paulson told you not to muck up the works and say anything about JP Morgan, because they were getting all kinds of FART money. I get that. Way too complicated to make a public issue. They're maybe on the hook for at least $250 million, and if people find out that Dimon is thinking of using the FART money to settle up, it'll cause race riots and Schumer will be put on to a kabob. I get that.

And maybe those Noel people gave you a deal on a time share in that place in Mustique. That's fine. I get that too. Its a beautiful place. I haven't figured out the MAXAM angle just yet, and maybe their lawyers are still on spring break. That's fine, too. Nothing happens over night; Harbeck over at SIPC made that very clear when I spoke to him yesterday.

But, Irv--there's a bunch of ambulance chasers all over the place that're using that crazy blog to figure out who to go after, and here you are sending clawyer letters to 80 yr old people that didn't even know where their money was?

And you're telling them that you "don't even have any records", so they have to prove what they put in and took out??

What? You think Merrill is helping people recover their statements from 15 or 20 years ago?? Nobody even knows who's left at Merrill! This is like the MERS disaster.

And lets be frank, why is that I'm the one that gets this video sent to me from some guy name Frank DiPascali?? I love the tune, and I figured out that the crazy blog has been singing about this guy forever, but shouldn't this have been sent over to those knuckle heads at DOJ??

I need to get in to talk to Bernie; I'm thinking he's the one that can clear some of this up. He likes bagels with chive cream cheese and thin-sliced nova, right?

Irv-we can only bill out at $600/hr on this, and I've got four associates pushing 100 hrs/week so far--so maybe you can leave a gratutity? Just scroll to the right. Thanks, buddy!

Alan

Full post as published by Bernard Madoff on April 24, 2009 (boomark / email).