Law Humor

MIDAS Art Fund: CNBC Leaks Sales

Thanks to little Janey Wells at CNBC-sales forecasts for Madoff Mania LLC were leaked yesterday, but what can you do?

I'll tell you what we're doing!! We're selling even more of Bernie's Pisher Pads!!! Just scroll to the right!

Sure, we've got more business than we can handle--so in case you can't get your case, that's only because we're over-subscribed. Don't worry, your credit card payment is safe, and Ruth will make sure that Robbie Weinberg ups the production so that your delivery isn't delayed too long. One thing we can guarantee, it'll get there before the SIPC payments!

Next:

Talk about overwhelmed!! What with everyone writing in asking for help to liquidiate illiquid assets, I've authorized Ezra to be in charge of our new MIDAS Art division. To do this right, we're taking in investors that don't ask any questions, and we'll provide great returns.

We'll provide 5% loans against any legitimate pieces, with a haircut of 70%. Ezra will hang them in his co-op for safe keeping until the loans are re-paid, or he'll sell them at auction. Whichever comes first. We're thinking maybe an online auction with a live video feed. News pending.

What with the FART money blowing into the wind, and with Jamie Dimon cutting the dividend on JPM down to a nickel, and GM bonds trading at 13 cents on the dollar, Ezra, along with some help from Vic Teicher, is going to make everyone a fortune!! Ask Ben Bernake--2010 is going to be a big recovery year!!!!

Next:

Real Estate Offerings. MIDAS has a new property in the portfolio. A gorgeous 2-br, 2 1/2 bath in a co-op building in the low '70's off of 5th. Low floor. Appraised at $2 mil. It'll trade for $1.5 mil, if you can get approved by the co-op board. Serious inquiries only. Brokers are protected; we'll run the commish through Sonny's account at Cohmad, or maybe we'll just pay you the way we paid Bob Jaffe. Speak to Marcia about that, or Ask Me a Question for more info.

Next: Out of Africa. Everyone thinks there's $5bil sitting in a bank account in Africa someplace.
What can I say? I'll tell you what I can say: Why would I put money in Africa when Antigua was in pissing distance?? Enough said.

Last: Everyone keeps saying the economy is in the shitter. Based on Madoff Toilet Paper sales, that could be true. Scroll to the right and get a case!

But anyway, some of the smarty-pants on Wall Street think that the EU is also going into the crapper, which is great for us because Sonja K. is going to be the head of European distribution for our TP line. She's also thinking about opening an office to sell those pre-WW II "Wermarcht Bonds". I don't know much about them...Ezra thinks they're art work, but they are backed by gold. $1000 face certificates could be worth as much $40,000k each. Ira should have a legal opinion pretty soon.

Last: "SEC Cleaning House".
To: Mary Shapiro, Chairman SEC
From:" Bernie Madoff

Mary- I read that Bob Khuzami is being brought in to clean up. I'm thinking it would be nice if he could send over a cleaning crew to the 17th floor. All those people you had in there (or maybe it was the feds?) left empty donut boxes lying all over the place before they went down to Dallas.

The place is a f--king mess and the thought of all that garbage is making me twitch. And, you know happens when I twitch.. Just ask Baby Ruth.

Thanks!
B.L.M.

Full post as published by Bernard Madoff on February 24, 2009 (boomark / email).