Law Humor

Please Deliver To Bernie Madoff...

I had Willy hand deliver this, and I'm hoping he can still read the building numbers. I pray that it gets to you!

Please don't get too upset about that picture of me going to the store. How hilarious was the idea of ME --RUTH ALPERN MADOFF shopping at Food Emporium. Don't people know there are RATs there?.. FEH!

You remember, the whole time you were still here - and I do miss you, darling, I was going out the back entrance in a brown long-haired wig (done up in a chignon) and sunglasses and cloth coats. ( a la Pat Nixon). Trying to look like Annette Lauer ( HAHAHA)

I was really lucky to get away with it, so my hair got done and, you know, I got to see the shrink and did a little shopping.

But now that the National Enquirer has a team at the building, I knew it would be really rough going out there. So I decided to fool them into thinking I would walk out the front door at, what, 8 PM to go food shopping.

Your Ruthie no one knows better than you, sweetums, was never the innocent that my sister was, and, sadly, slightly smarter than our boys, I decided on a plan: First, for the only time in my adult life, - no make up- no fashion, no phony social smile.

I've let the botox wear off. I'll get it renewed in Palm Beach, and I borrowed that ghastly knit cap from the maid. We really had a laugh over that one, Esmeralda and I, and I decided to go to Food Emporium.

Anyone with half a brain would know that the guards do the food shopping They do most of the eating anyway, and what? I should shlep groceries??

So I figured, I would throw the press off their tracks and go out looking like the Wrath of God.. and I sure did look terrible. I hope it didn't upset you too much. But you know I'm OK, and I do not look that bad, except first thing in the morning, when you don't look so hot yourself. But you are CUTE early in the morning sometimes, aren't you, angel-cake?

Well, you should see the e-mails and messages.. PITY - SYMPATHY-pseudo affection even.. Some from friends ( sadly, not too many), sales people in clothing stores I've always patronized, staff at Louis Licari (God knows I've tipped them enough to bail out AIG over the years), and even the people at Pietro's sent a note.

Bernie, they want me back.. they feel badly for me.. Well they can take their pity and do you know what with it. I'm not staying here for this circus anymore. I have things to do for Our Family in Florida. I own that house free and clear as everyone knows, and I have to pay the guards anyway.

I'm leaving one guard here each shift so we don't get robbed by the elevator men or the super, and taking three with me ( yes, yes, the woman guard - don't be paranoid, Bernie), and we are DRIVING to Florida .. never mind when in case someone reads this!

How smart is your Ruthie?? I knew I didn't have access to a normal person's private plane anymore right now. And, First Class isn't what it used to be years ago. Plus, there is no way that I could fly commercial. TSA would see my name and probably strip search me (sorry darling - I'm so sorry YOU had to go through that). Can you picture me trying to run down a jetway at LaGuardia in my Pradas?

Also, I have a lot of personal things to bring to Florida if I have to stay there for any length of time. Yes, I know you think the closets were overflowing already. Don't be ridiculous.

So, we hatched a plan.. We packed Annette's extra SUV over a few days time so no one noticed we were taking little suitcases and cartons (from Food Emporium - how funny was that?), and we filled the back of the car with necessities like that darling toilet paper with your photo on it (yes Bernie, I'll tell everyone to "scroll to the right"..), the really good tuna with olive oil, pretty dishes for Passover with Shana if we can pull it off, and a few nick knacks worth NOTHING to make the house look homier - photos of us together - you know.. in those nice THICK photo frames!!!!! ( wink wink nudge nudge, Bernie)

I understand that Shana is doing something similar; only she is taking her Mercedes wagon - the little fool, and we'll drive in a leisurely manner down 95.. stopping at some cute little diners Jane and Michael Stern have written about, and we'll be staying at Marriott courtyards, which are not our style, but Frank says they're clean and comfy, and they have wireless access and free breakfast, so the guards don't bankrupt us with all those meal stops. Have you ever had a salad at McDonald's? Well, DON'T.. ohh, sorry darling.. I guess you won't be for a while. Maybe when they transport you??. What is WRONG with me?! My normal tact seems to have flown out the clerestory window.

Anyway, when I heard that Sam Waksal had gotten out of jail, I had a moment of wild hope about you. And he's still rich!!! Of course, he did invent a cure for cancer, but we invented a cure for poverty, didn't we?

I have my new Ipod that our AV guy put together for me all wired up , and we can listen to show tunes and American standards, and even books on tape all the way down. I figure two nights on the road, then we coast into Palm Beach at night. The house will be opened for me already, and all we have to do is assign beds to the guards, and it will be back to 1000 thread count sheets again ( sorry darling- why do I keep doing that to you?).

Bernie, you have always wanted the best for me, and even if you cannot really help me now, when I truly need your help, you will be cheering for me as we drive south - watching those speed traps - heading for Palm Beach.
Kisses.
Your Ruthie

Full post as published by Bernard Madoff on March 24, 2009 (boomark / email).