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Ruth is Innocent!! Stop It, Already!! And, Sonja's Hands Are Clean(?)

Ruth actually had to take out the goddamned, $1800 defibrillator after I read that trash in today's NY Times....You reporters are going to give me a stroke--and if that happens, how can I help to get back everyone's money??

What's with you newspaper hacks?? The f--king stock market is going to hell in a hand basket, and all you can write about is the cotton sheets on our bed, or whether Ruth really wrote her cookbook??!!

And by the way, Ms Alison Fancy Pants Cowan at the NYT, there's a disclaimer on the bottom of this blog that makes it very clear that using any of my material without written permission is verboten! I own the one-liner about her "cooking the books"; I made it a month ago, right here. And its an inside family joke--not one that you can use!!

As long as we're talking about Ruth and her kosher cook book--it says she's the editor--does it say she's the writer??? I don't think so. At least, I don't remember.

Now--as far as Ruth actually cooking those recipes; on some holidays, yes..she does. Ruth makes an unbelievable kugel!! Beyond the kugel, Ruth isn't much for cooking, and the rest of the time, its true that we (used) to go to places like Primola.

That was a great place. Right down the street from us. But, we don't go there anymore. Its closed now..

No new customers, sorry. Same thing we'd say to the people that wanted to invest with us, but asked too many questions. Do you see now, Giuliano? When you talk too much and answer too many questions, especially to the media, you get shut down..

Where am I telling people to eat now when they want Italian?? This place: Ray's Pizza!!!:
Fits perfectly into the chapter in our new book " The Madoff Survivor's Guide: How To Get By on Just $15,000 a month.. They've got the best pizza in NY--try the one with sausage on top. Don't tell Ruth I said anything about sausages!

Speaking of the media, I was wondering how long it would take for that cute little Erin Arvedlund to score a book deal. Mazel, Erin! Remember when you wrote that piece for Barron's years ago, and I said you were welcome to ask me any questions---and then you f--king torched me??

Well, here we are, back together again. I don't hold a grudge..time heals old wounds, and in fact, I'm thinking that I'm going to include you in with Janey Wells at CNBC for some good insight..But, if I found out you sold yourself short with the book contract terms, we might have to talk to the publisher. Ira, take a note and see what you can do for Erin.

Finally--I know that Sonja Kohn sent out an email saying that her "hands are clean, and that she actually never met me, and she doesn't know me personally.." blah blah mea culpa mea culpa.

I don't know how authentic that email was. Seems odd for someone to have invested a few billion bucks without having met me... I don't remember, though.

But I do know that my hands are clean because I use this great new hand sanitizer..I found it on Walmart.com...(there's another tip on how survive on only $15k a month!)..

Anyway, its called Soapopular. Its go no alcohol (which is perfect for me), and it cleans the germs off my hands, without leaving my skin dry and irritated. I've had to shake a few hands in my time, and trust me, some of the hands I've had to shake weren't so clean. More on that later.

Anyway, this stuff is great; its got no fragrance, and the foam leaves my hands feeling soft.
If you buy it online, use my savings coupon! Just put "Get20off" in when you're asked for the promotional code... That'll give you a 20% discount...

Ira, you need to get some of this stuff too! I can only guess about the hands you've been shaking.....

Full post as published by Bernard Madoff on January 15, 2009 (boomark / email).