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Dr. Friedman ( the Shrink for Talking- not the Shrink for Meds, or the New Shrink for Family Relationships),

thinks I need to have more structure to my days, plus he thinks I need to make some money.

I've never done that before, except for investing Mommy and Daddy's money, but I've always loved a challenge.
I mean, look at whom I married. ( or is it WHO I married?)

Mr. Not So Smarty Pants Big Mouth the Blogger, over there at the MCC in his orange jumpsuit. Bernie, with a lot of time on his twitchy hands,is telling people I'm going to write a book about "How to Live on 15K a Month."

I'm certainly not writing it for HIM, and his bills and personal problems with Clawyers and people who claim he took their money.

He's on his own there- the lying bastard! Sorry, I mean the mentally disturbed,unstable, at risk - really needs treatment lying bastard! ( that's the new party line -Pre-Sentencing, HA!)

This One's All For Ruthie Alpern Madoff. I need a little nest egg.

"Easy Living On 15k A Month" would be a pure work of fiction as far as I can tell. But I am going to do some serious research. I've asked the help, the guards, the trainers, the doormen,the gardeners, the driver,the cook, and the maids how they live on their pittances.

It's terrifying.
You would not believe where people shop, the neighborhoods they live in, what kind of food they eat, who does their cooking and cleaning, and where they go for vacation- in trailers with all their screaming children and ghastly snack foods galore. Feh!

I think I need to ask people who do a LITTLE better than that.

So if any nice investment bankers are listening, or CEO's of Small Cap companies, Plastic Surgeons, Orthopedic Surgeons,Hotel Owners -I'll be e-mailing you with a survey about how you manage your lives on, say 15K to 20K a month.

I will intersperse that information with my personal advice about diet and exericise, and with some recipes ( as you know, I'm a well known Kosher cookbook author.)

And, Diary, no one knows better than YOU, my dearest friend, what a wonderful writer I am.

I'm not sure how to do a WHOLE book that is not about Kosher Cooking, but I'll get some experts to help, and I know there are agents all over the world who would KILL to talk to me.

Well, there are a lot of people who would kill to talk to me, but that's another story.

I finally got my courage up to look at that TERRIBLE Article about our family, in the May Issue of Vanity ( VERY UN) Fair magazine. Such lies. The nerve. How dare they? Pure Fiction.

But in a few months, after Bernie goes to his new Country Club/mental hospital, and when Mr. Picard goes on vacation for the summer ( the whole summer, I hope and pray.). Then, I'll be needing publicity and good media exposure to sell my products.

I bet it will totally disarm Irving Picard that I am trying so hard to be careful with money, and he will be much sweeter to me than he has been recently. Mr. P. been hideously unpleasant, insisting I knew everything, and that I still have assets hidden away. Like, I WISH!
I have a a cute little ass for a lady of my age, but that's about it, Irving, as far as ASSETS..

I admit, I was rather taken with the old photos of me as a young girl when Bernie and I first started dating. ( What a little fool I was. Of course I was an innocent sixteen year old schoolgirl taken in by his ability to swim and his DRIVE ).

Diary, I was absolutely adorable, and, frankly, if you put those pictures side by side with more current ones (nothing taken since 12/11/08 of course), I was and AM very much the same, if not a wee bit better with the little help I've had from a teensy bit of work), and always VERY photogenic.

I have watched my weight like a hawk and it really pays off. Daphne Merkin, are you listening? You'll be having a media tour too,, or perhaps not? You should go see Dr. Lou Aronne on 63rd and York ASAP!

So, as soon as I figure out how to pretend to live on $15,000 a month ( it MUST be fiction), I will be a Fabulous Star in the media. Surely If Sweet Lizzie Edwards has gotten on all these shows with THOSE clothes, and Farah got HUGE ratings on NBC for mortal suffering, well ,who knows? The sky is the limit for me.

I certainly have suffered as much, if not more. I bet I'll get all the TV talk shows, a movie or even my own SERIES! It could be just "Ruthie," like "Oprah", only thinner.

I'd adore to live in California - maybe Santa Barbara or those sweet Bird Streets in the Hollywood Hills. I believe I would be accepted there in a flash, and there are beautiful unfrozen houses all furnished and abandoned by divorcing Movie Stars. I could rent.

So to begin:

Cut up all your credit cards except for the Black Amex which has no limits and extra points. These points will come in handy as you begin your budget-driven life.
Pare down the help to one maid who irons, a cook once or twice a week who can prepare and freeze low calorie, portion controlled meals..
Live out of your closets!
Those classic Chanels and Armanis and Donna Karens can last forever if you keep your weight stable, and take care of your clothes. You won't need anything new if you take all the things from all your houses and make them into one giant wardrobe. Plus, it's fun! You will have forgotten all the things you bought you never even wore.
Live out of your freezer and pantry. it is amazing how much food we all have tucked away for a rainy day. Well, this is our rainy day.
Get Netflix - on demand. You'll never have to leave the house again and pay hundreds of dollars for theater tickets if you have satellite TV and netflix. Trust me. I'lve been doing this for months.
OK - The Pilates teacher is at the door BANGING! Dyke Bitch!
Back you go Diary into the special place.
Kiss kiss for the diamonds.
I am Woman.. I am invincible. I am Ruthie!

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