Law Students

Guilty but Not Guilty

By Anonymous

I never know what I think about something until I read what I've written on it. - William Faulkner.

About a week ago I read a blog post by a stay-at-home mom regarding why she thinks staying home is best for her and her family, and why she does not believe working and daycare could be as good for her children or her. It was thoughtful, personal, and heart-felt, and yet my hackles went up immediately upon reading it. I didn't comment at first, but couldn't stop mentally crafting unnecessary arguments against a position that by her own admission was personal. I struggled with why I felt compelled to disagree with something that had nothing to do with me until I read a comment that said in part, "I can understand that what I want for myself is not what you want for yourself, and that's totally fine. I think you wrote about this in a respectful manner, even though it can be hard to read that someone else would hate to live your life." And I realized, yes, that is exactly it. Even when someone writes about such things in terms of only herself, and maybe even means it, it's almost impossible not to read it as a judgment on you and your family. If this wouldn't work for you, do you believe that it works for me? But it does work for me! And why the hell wouldn't you want my life?! I love it my life! Why wouldn't you?

And the answer is of course because we're different and we have different goals and different wants and different things were are willing to trade to reach the best overall balance between it all. I know this, I write this, but apparently I don't listen to myself because I find it hard not to argue when someone tells me their choice that is the opposite of my choice is the perfect one. I think this is why it's hard to have a completely open and rational discussion with other mothers about staying home v. working. There's some inherent defensiveness about what you've chosen (or haven't chosen, but have to do anyway) and it all touches such sensitive issues. Hearing someone say they think their children would be harmed, or at least not as well served, by daycare immediately makes me defensive because that's where my child is and obviously, I think he's doing just fine (quite wonderful in fact, I adore his new center). I know there are bad parents in the world, but I have yet to meet one who doesn't care deeply about their children and their well-being and hearing someone knock your childcare choices does not bode well for any conversation, no matter how polite you're trying to be.

On my end, I love being a working mom. I'm about to make the same general statements I bristled against when someone else made them, but this is absolutely the best choice for me and my family. Landon loves daycare and I think he benefits from being there. I love my job and I don't believe that what I want, what I worked for in school all those years, stops mattering because I had Landon. Priorities change, schedules adjust, your heart expands, but I am fundamentally the same person after having Landon as I was before and that person needs this in my life. ("This" being order, adult conversation, intellectual stimulation, giant stacks of paper everywhere, and constant to-do lists with difficult assignments.) And having this does not make me feel overwhelmed or crazed or guilty, it makes me satisfied and happy.

I am tired of hearing how women today are stressed and unhappy and that moms feel guilty for working. On point (1) I don't feel either of those things and articles telling me I should are irritating. I love all the technology, I love that my blackberry means I can leave my desk as soon as my last email is sent for the day and I don't need to wait around in case of a reply. I like being busy and I am very good at saying no to all kinds of unnecessary activities and events in order to spend a Saturday with my family running errands and cleaning the house. On point (2) I just don't understand associating working with guilt. I understand wanting to be home (well, I can't fully understand wanting to be home full-time, but I understand how important it is to some people), and I understand being sad that you are missing out on things with your child. But guilt? I associate guilt with eating six chocolate-chip cookies when you should have stopped at two or printing off enough paper to kill a small forest. It describes something that is indulgent but harmful, or just generally reprehensible (so says Websters). I think it's a powerfully negative word to attach to a woman working outside of the home (never men, they're not told to have "daddy guilt" by articles and each other). There are mornings when I am truly sad to leave Landon- not necessarily sad to go to work, but sad there aren't more hours in the day and sad to not spend more of them with him. But never guilty. I support my family, I work productively and pay (a whole lot of) taxes, and whether or not people really think lawyers contribute to society, I certainly don't think what I do is "reprehensible" in any way. It's a word that I wish could be eliminated from the whole discussion.

Around my one year anniversary at the firm I went back and read my "hopeful" posts about balancing career and family before I started work. For the most part they've remained true. I still feel optimistic, though I have my worries- most of them about what will happen as a senior associate approaching partnership as my children are at an age where I think it's even more important to be a big presence at home than it is now. But it's one day at a time, and right now my husband and toddler are well served by a wife and mother who is genuinely happy most of the time. And that truth has mostly freed me from feeling judgment from those who make decisions that are different from mine. It may always be a little too personal not to trigger some defensiveness, but I hope that I can support a stay-at-home mom the same way I expect to be supported and accepted as a working mom.

Full post as published by Lag Liv on October 12, 2009 (boomark / email).