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happy new year to you too

Ok, that's it, next year I'm flying back early and having a real NYE, like the one I've never had, with TD at some party where I wear a hot dress (my fantasies are tacky and cliche and so the dress involves sequins) and kiss him at midnight just like in the movies. To heck with being a dutiful daughter and staying for a whole two weeks and spending the evening at home, in my room, reading Nan Lin's Social Capital: A Theory of Social Structure and Action with Survivor Man on in the background. This visit was two weeks because 1) I am a dutiful daughter and they expect me to come for as much time as possible, and 2) I didn't know when TD would be back from Mexico when I booked my flight. So anyway, I'm currently grumbly.

I feel awful--there is so much to be thankful for. I have good health, a becoming-less-dysfunctional-and-possibly-more-supportive family, someone I love who loves me back, and I'm doing interesting stuff that I genuinely enjoy at a great school in a great city. Most of the time, I feel these blessings acutely and am happy and easy to please because I am generally truly pleased, having known for years what true dysfunction, deprivation, and loneliness are like. But because I am a bad, petty person who never weathers even short separations well, I am feeling all lonely and party-poopy. So I was all grumbly on the phone with TD, and bit of a downer. Bad Belle.

It's unfair to begrudge him his good experiences, because what I really mean to say is that I wish I were sharing in them--the interesting adventures and vacations afar, the cliched parties, the NYE kiss (silly only in that it's a tradition, but kisses are always good). Every year, it's the same (remember traditional strict Asian parents, folks--I came home from the wedding on Saturday by 11:30 pm). I'm in my room reading and watching TV. My sister comes in at midnight (if she's still awake) and wishes me a happy new year. Because I have insomnia whenever I visit my parents, I continue to read until 3 am. I fall asleep. I know that this isn't an awful way to celebrate a new year. But it's always the same, and I've never had a proper new year, and as cheesy and cliche as it is, just once I would like one. TD tells me not to feel bad. Of course, he's at a friend's party right now, which sounds infinitely more fun. He's tired and didn't even want to go, but all I can think tonight is that I'd rather be with him, whether at home or out. Instead I'm reading about social networks that I lack and social ties when I am missing a really important tie.

So while I'm glad for the things I do have, and for 2008 ending as well as it started, right now I'm an ungrateful little bitch who can only focus on current boredom and loneliness. I resolve to be better next year. And organize my books and files. And do research. And waste less food. And go to some place outside of the U.S.

What are your resolutions? Happy new year, by the way.

Full post as published by Law and Letters on January 01, 2009 (boomark / email).