Law Humor

Why Would I Know Art Nadel?? Or Satyam's Raju? (Or is it Ragu?)

Posted on January 18, 2009
In response to one of my readers: No. I don't think I know an Arthur Nadel. Why? You really think that he had invested his investor money with me?? The only thing I read is that he's missing, and that people are saying they lost $400 million.Media hype again, they probably lost 1/4 of that after counting how much Nadel probably returned to them...

Weekend with Patriotic Bernie: I'm Answering Some Questions; Feeder Funds and Great Places to Feed.

Posted on January 17, 2009
To all of you wannabe "investigator journalists", try coming up something new for a change! The story about Frank Avellino isn't a headline; I told you about this a month ago!I hate repeating myself, especially when it comes to answering questions, but to bring this nonsense to rest, I will...

Madoff's Morning Briefing: Dopamine! Not Dope Are You!

Posted on January 16, 2009
Ira-You need to get hold of a gal named Sally Satel--She's a shrink with an MD degree from Brown and she just wrote a great article..Have one of your interns find it online. You can print it out, and I've got extra printer cartridges if you need them...

Everybody's Talking About Me..And Writing About Me.

Posted on January 16, 2009
Enough already..Six books in the pipeline so far??! Big shot "investigative journalists".. What nonsense.Most of these are just hacks. What? You think you they can write the 'real story' without me helping them?? Who are they going to interview? Guiliano from Primola Restaurant??You think Bob 'Dopamine' Jaffe is going to talk to you people??You think Sonja is going to sit down and have f--king tea and crumpets and answer questions from reporters? And what? Walter and his kids are going to invite you down to Mustique for a weekend of sun and gossip?? Go ahead--talk to Sonny Cohn, he's got alot to say...

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Friday Afternoon Update : Bernie's Memory

Posted on January 16, 2009
Sometimes I remember things, sometimes I don't..But, this is what I do remember: I was opposed to repealing the Glass-Steagall Act. I told everyone that at the time. Ask Mary Shapiro. Ask Arthur Levitt. They'll remember. But the smart guys had more juice...

Ruth is Innocent!! Stop It, Already!! And, Sonja's Hands Are Clean(?)

Posted on January 15, 2009
Ruth actually had to take out the goddamned, $1800 defibrillator after I read that trash in today's NY Times....You reporters are going to give me a stroke--and if that happens, how can I help to get back everyone's money??What's with you newspaper hacks?? The f--king stock market is going to hell in a hand basket, and all you can write about is the cotton sheets on our bed, or whether Ruth really wrote her cookbook??!!And by the way, Ms Alison Fancy Pants Cowan at the NYT, there's a disclaimer on the bottom of this blog that makes it very clear that using any of my material without written permission is verboten! I own the one-liner about her "cooking the books"; I made it a month ago, right here...

Madoff's Morning Briefing: I'm Cooperating!

Posted on January 14, 2009
I'm thinking I'll wear that robe to right today to make a good impression with the Judge--not that he needs to be convinced that I'm crazy, but I figured it might be good to do a few dress rehearsals. And again, however crazy my friend Mr. Prosecutor is for wasting everyone's time and money with these silly bail hearings, the law is very clear on this topic...

What A Circus at Court! Ruth-What do you want from Zabar's?

Posted on January 14, 2009
What a waste of an afternoon!Of course the new judge wasn't going to change Judge Ellis's decision!! Anyway, Ruth, traffic is a mess down here, but we're stopping at Zabar's on the way home...Send me a message on the blackberry and tell me what everyone wants for dinner...

Madoff Family Denies Bernie Suffered A Stroke: Defibrillator Was Ruth's Idea! Bob Jaffe: Phone Home!

Posted on January 13, 2009
No, I didn't have a heart attack, but if Andy doesn't stop with the dancing on my grave routine, I'm going to give him a heart attack!Yes, the stupid story about Ruth buying a couple of defibrillators is true..What can I tell you? She thought they'd perk up our sex life! But then she figured out they weren't the kind of sex toys that she was shopping for...

Madoff's Morning Briefing : Real Crimes Overlooked

Posted on January 13, 2009
Since Judge Ellis was smart enough to appreciate the legal arguments on bail, and recognized that (i) I haven't been indicted for anything, (ii) my plane is in the shop and that I'm hardly a flight risk (what? I should fly commercial?!), and (iii), Ruth is now spending more than $7000 a day on surveillance equipment and those security guards, you'd have to be meshugeneh to think that I'm any kind of a flight risk...

Ruth's New Book: The Madoff Survivor's Guide; How To Get By On Only $15,000 A Month

Posted on January 12, 2009
Thanks to my new investor Jane Wells at CNBC--she just got off the phone with Ruth and offered to work with her on a new book; "The Madoff Survivor's Guide: How to Live On Only $15,000 a Month!".. Janey--you're one smart cookie! That's much better of an idea than the next cook book that Ruth wanted to do! (Can you believe that she already spent $100k on the printing presses for that one: "Ruth Madoff's How To Cook The Books"There's only one problem Janey; you need to get us a ghost writer--Trust me; Ruth couldn't figure out how to survive on less than $150k a month, and you think she can figure out how to spend less than $15k?? Oy...

Of course I'm staying in my co-op!! I told you so!

Posted on January 12, 2009
As I told you this morning, Judge Ellis is not an idiot and he understands the law. Oh boy--we "can't transfer any assets.." Ruth--make a note of that! Mark--you and Andy and Shana are good to go i.e. the Madoff Energy Fund..

Breakfast with Bernie-To My Neighbors; I'm Not Going Anywhere

Posted on January 12, 2009
There's lots of hullabaloo about the stupid idea of putting me in jail because I sent some gifts to family and friends. As one of my readers pointed out, there's something called the Constitution, and the 8th Amendment is very clear on the topic. Bail can only be revoked if I present a flight risk...

After Dinner Cigar With Bernie...Thoughts From Today..

Posted on January 12, 2009
I won't make a habit of posting more than a couple of times a day, but we just finished a great dinner that was delivered in from Daniel--very nice place, right around the corner from me. Its one of Ezra's favorites, and Ruth loves it too. A little expensive, and I've been telling Ruth to slow down on the spending, but that kid Bouloud is a good boy, and he makes a great meal for us...

Madoff Family Owns the Movie Rights!!

Posted on January 11, 2009
I almost chocked on my bagel and shmear when I saw that someone is proposing that Robert Klein play me in a new movie. As much as I think Bob is a good looking guy, and he does look a lot like me, I've said this before, nobody but me is authorized to negotiate film rights!Ira-take a note of that article in that LA paper...

Weekend Update from Me, Bernie. Jail on Monday?? Ridiculous!

Posted on January 10, 2009
This little sweetie to the right is a news reporter. Her name is Rachel. She's not as cute as my friend Janey Wells at CNBC, but little Rachel is very smart. You, the Judge, and everyone else should pay attention to what she said today:"..emotional calls fail to consider what could happen to this case if he actually is put in a cellblock now...

Madoff's Morning Briefing

Posted on January 09, 2009
I'm thinking we're going to change the format here...I've been getting inundanted with requests to talk more about everything, so I think a morning briefing format is good. I'm a morning guy anyway..Right, Ruth?? Right, Julie?? There's lots of news to cover this morning, and before the idiotic feds tell the judge that aside from f--king interrogating the packages we send from the house, they should also be taking away my blackberry, I thought I'd put a few thoughts to paper...

Ezra was NOT " Bernie's Bagman"

Posted on January 09, 2009
To that shlameel from Crains NY that said that Ezra was my "bagman": Does this look like a guy that carries people's bags?? Are you insane?? Ezra has a $30 million duplex at 740 Park, a museum's worth of artwork, and God knows what else.Do you think he needs to carry my bags?? Of course not! So what that he made his money by charging investment management fees and points on top of that...

Madoff Story is NOT Funny!! Ask Jane Wells!!

Posted on January 08, 2009
Sure, sure, they found a bunch of f--king checks in my desk that I was getting ready to mail. Of course I was. I'm an honest guy and I promised to send some cash to family and special investors. If Jodi had kept stamps in the goddamn office, they would have gone out, and there'd be 20 less people kvetching about not getting their bonuses!! Yes, the checks totaled more than $170 million...

Thanks to Steve Harbeck for Clarifying!!

Posted on January 07, 2009
Exactly as I've been saying; 1. I didn't "steal" $50 billion. Why the media insists on putting that into every f--king headline story is libelous. Ira will be dealing with you people later.2. As my friend Steve Harbeck stated two days ago, there's close to $850 million on deposit in various BMIS accounts...

Enough already! I Gave My Kids Gifts, So What?! It was Innocent!!

Posted on January 07, 2009
Let's put this ridiculous topic to rest; Ruth and I sent our kids, and a special friend, and our housekeeper some personal items as gifts for the holidays. I admit it. A bunch of old watches and some diamond jewelry that had nothing more than sentimental value...

Dear Andrew and Mark

Posted on January 06, 2009
Boys-You're doing a great job, but if you didn't like the watches that Mom and I sent, you should have just told us what you wanted, instead of calling up your lawyers and kvetching about what we sent!Now look what's happened! Are you both idiots? You're driving me crazy with this stuff...

Madoff Family Gives Bronx Cheer to Southern District Prosecutor

Posted on January 05, 2009
I've been real cordial about all of this, and I've been very cooperative with all of the nice government and SEC people that have been asking questions. Just ask them! If I can remember, I've been telling.Now this silly federal prosecutor, someone I've been very nice to, all of a sudden decides that he should be crying to the judge saying that I'm a flight risk and that I should be put behind bars?? Two weeks after we had an understanding?? And his reasoning is that I gave some gifts to my wonderful children? BEFORE my assets were frozen...

Ron Paul Backs Up Madoff Statements

Posted on January 05, 2009
I'm uploading this from my blackberry right now--I was stuck in court with Ira for a few hours merely to explain why we have every right to give some of our jewelry as gifts to our kids, my brother and my housekeeper. They're not entitled to have some of the heirlooms from our safe deposit boxes?? My housekeeper shouldn't have a Christmas gift?? This is what the prosecutor thinks should be a good reason to change my bond terms, and otherwise move me to a jail cell so that the taxpayers can pay my rent and my food? Is everyone crazy?? Ira--how do I plead insanity when the prosecutor is nuts?!So anyway, I'm sitting in my limo watching CSPAN on TV...

I'm Bernie Madoff and I do NOT suffer from OCD! Oops.. Yes I do!

Posted on January 05, 2009
I'm really taken aback by comments that are circulating by Julie Fenwick, my sweet office manager in London. The notion that I could be anally retentive just doesn't sound like me at all. Does that picture of me and Ruth to the right look like I'm anally retentive?? For God's sakes, just because I don't drink booze doesn't mean that I'm tight!But, Julie's suggestion that I might have OCD is something that I can't deny...

What Does James Simons and me, Bernie Madoff have in common?

Posted on January 04, 2009
You know, plenty of people have been asking me, "What's the difference between you and Jim Simons?" Honestly (and I don't lie!), I don't know Jim Simons personally, and I don't know about Renaissance Technology--the investment fund that he manages. Its all very secretive, unlike BMIS...

Madoff Film Rights: Don't Get Scammed!!

Posted on January 04, 2009
I just heard that at least two different groups are telling investors that they've got the rights to produce an "indie film" based on my story. Bullshit. If anyone wants to talk about movie rights, they can fill in the Contact Me box on the left side of this page...

You Can't Fool All of the People All of The Time!! Which is Why I'm Innocent!

Posted on January 04, 2009
We all know that most journalists are hacks; they embellish and take out of context more than any Wall Street CEO or CFO could even dream of. But, while I'm sitting here chewing on my bagel and novy from Sable's, I need to make a public thank you to Michael Lewis!! If you didn't read his editorial in today's NY Times (which has more slantsthan a Chinese whorehouse) I have to recommend Michael's piece; it proves the case that Ira is already making to those wonderful prosecutors in the Southern District...

Announcing The Madoff-backed MIDAS Fund (Madoff Investor Distressed Asset Sale)

Posted on January 03, 2009
After speaking with Henry Kaufman last week, and after reading the silly comments made by Barton Biggs (the guy with the best 20-20 hindsight on Wall Street, and someone who missed the entire bull market!), the Madoff family thinks it only appropriate to be the first to help create a new fund that will be purchasing distressed assets from those that purchased second homes, cars, jewels and artwork with the profits we distributed over the past many years...

Sorry, FIFO Accounting Only!! BTW- BMIS's New Art Fund

Posted on January 02, 2009
To quell the latest idiotic news story (with whining from an investor that invested in a special arb fund with us on Dec 5), everyone needs to know that in accordance with GAAP, (and as the former Chairman of NASDAQ, you should appreciate that I know all about accounting standards), we consistently used First In First Out accounting practices...

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