Law Humor

#Madoff on Melissa Lee: Pee on #CNBC-Ha!

Posted on June 08, 2010
To: Melissa Lee From: Bernie What? You think we don't have TV in here?! Of course we do! And let me tell you something, young lady; some of the boys in here think that every time you open your mouth, it should get plugged! And you're mouth is always open...

#Madoff Monday Musings

Posted on June 07, 2010
To: Steve Fishman From: Bernie Madoff #1. I don't remember giving you or New York Magazine permission to use my likeness in your ridiculous story. Don't bother waiting for Ira's letter to cease and desist; my friend Junior Persico says you should check under your car before you start it...

Betting on #Bernie's Futures

Posted on June 05, 2010
To: Adam Moskowitz, ASM Capital From: Mark Madoff cc: Uncle Pete cc: J.Picower Dear Adam: Thank you for contacting us. Your proposal to partner up and use our trading software to create an exchange by which people can trade futures contracts on the Picard Portfolio, and otherwise allow people to hedge positions, and/or speculate on the amounts that claimants might ultimately recover is obviously an interesting idea...

#Madoff Memories For Memorial Day

Posted on May 29, 2010
From: Bernie To: I.Picard cc: J.Picower cc: P. Konigsberg cc: Sonja Kohn Irv: If you took note of my comments from the other day, view the clip below to fully appreciate the observations I made about that lawyer in Madrid, and the miraculous work that he did...

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Madoff's Favs?!

Posted on May 28, 2010
To: Ike From: Bernie Listen closely. First; I gave Ken Starr your private number. He should be calling you within the next 30 minutes. If he can make bail. Andy Stein should hire Mo. Next: Now that everyone has figured out that I'm not just a stock market savant that anticipates every major swing (just look at the last three weeks performance!...

Did you say $15 Billion?!

Posted on May 26, 2010
From: Javier Cremades To: Bernie cc: Irv Picard, Esq. cc: S. Harbeck cc: M. Shapiro cc: I. Sorkin, Esq. Bernie: No doubt you are all wondering how someone such as myself, a country lawyer from Madrid, could have, in little less than 12 months, coordinated the repayment of more than $15 billion to more than 700,000 misguided investors in 25 countries, when my good friends Steve Harbeck and Irv Picard have administered the repayment of less than 1/10 of that amount for a small handful of similar victims! Ha! To use your famous expression, "Trust Me!" when I say that I had to shake many unsavory and slippery hands in order to convince the banks that sold those investments to make good on the investors' principal amounts invested...

Friday Market Wrap Up From Madoff

Posted on May 22, 2010
To: Bernie From: Jamie Great call, as always! Who needs a crystal ball when they have you?! If only you passed along that genius to your kids, I'd consider hiring them.. Have Jodi send the trade confirms to the alternate address. Tell her to put it inside the cupcake box...

Midas Madoff Does it Again!

Posted on May 21, 2010
From: Bernie To: Jamie Dimon No need to thank us for guiding you on your short sales last Friday when the Dow traded back to 10,800; its always a pleasure being prescient. Per trade confirms that Jodi or Nan will punch out later today, we covered those positions this morning before the opening...

#Madoff Hump Day

Posted on May 20, 2010
From: Bernie To: Ezra Boobala! With CNBC about to announce they're adding me to their line-up of talking heads, suffice to say that my opinions on all kinds of things are in big demand (again!) Here's my opinion; 1. You need to have your lawyer quash that request from  Bamberger the Hamburger! Even if the art market has picked up again and the "marks" have your portfolio up $50 million for the month, what with your getting clipped for almost $2mil on that arbitration, you don't need any f--king records unsealed that might cause an avalanche of lawsuits to descend on your house...

#Madoff's Media Manager On #Deepwater Doo-Doo

Posted on May 19, 2010
Courtesy of Guest Contributor and PR/Crisis Management Maestro a/k/a Madoff Boy's Media Mentor George Sard Screwed By Crude; Slick Talking Down a Slippery Slope; BP's Pipe Dream?; Federal Agency Facing PR Fiasco; Moguls Muck Up Marketing Communications...

#Madoff Scores the #Gold on #Celebrity Apprentice

Posted on May 18, 2010
RE: Celebrity Apprentice  From: Andy To: Dad Dad- We've decided to dk the idea about pot dispensaries; Picard's people told us they would be clawing back every plant they could get their hands on. Sounds to me as if they're planning on helping Dimon re: the request he made to Harbeck's office last week...

Friday's Madoff Market Meltdown:

Posted on May 15, 2010
From: J. Dimon To: G. Ackerman Gary-Just a quick note before letting my shorts ride and heading up to Syracuse... As one of your top 100 contributors, will appreciate your making a tweak to the clawback legislation.. Need you to insert verbiage that precludes clawing back interest, fees or any other profits that [banks/financial institutions] earned from Madoff et al...

2 BM's in One Butthole: Exclusive Interview; Real Time! Maher Meets Madoff!!

Posted on May 13, 2010
taped for broadcast and re-distributed with the permission of Bill Maher Productions (sort of) BM2: Bernie, Let me start by saying that its a real pleasure to have you on today. I'm actually honored that you'd allow me to connect via satellite and be the first to interview you since you first arrived at what people tell me is called "Butthole", which is otherwise the federal prison in North Carolina...

Madoff Probed For Insider Trading??

Posted on May 11, 2010
From: Barney Frank To: Mary Shapiro RE: Madoff Insider Trading Probe Dear Commissioner Shapiro: In light of recent events, in which Mr. Madoff, who I was given to understand has been barred by your agency from promoting investment advice, has not only been flaunting this ban, but he has been miraculously prescient in predicting the direction of the markets...

Bernie's Belated Birthday

Posted on May 08, 2010
Dear Mark and Andy- Your birthday box just arrived; better a week late than never! The f--king screws kept the nova and the Davidoff's for themselves, but they let me keep the great poster that you sent. Very thoughtful! You remembered your old man's favorite dishes!  I'm going to hang this right next to the poster that Janey Wells sent me...

Cover Your Shorts Says Bernie

Posted on May 07, 2010
To Jeff P. From: Bernie Step right in right now (Dow 10000) and cover the shorts I told you to put on ten days ago..20% return on $2 billion in 10 days is a good trade. Check the time stamp on this message. I will tell you when to go long. Bernie

Hump and Hemp Wednesday with Madoff

Posted on May 05, 2010
To: Bernie From: J. Picower Barb decided to give up some of the cash to Picard & Co., but now she can't seem to recall where we buried the damn key to the safe deposit box. Since it was you that took the photo, she's hoping you might remember where the hell we were at the time...

A Somber Moment

Posted on May 04, 2010
To: Nelson There is nothing more tragic than a life cut short in youth, and briskly on the path towards attaining one's true aspirations and sense of personal fulfillment. We are heartbroken. With that, we pay you tribute. We express these thoughts in a medium that you enjoyed, made you laugh, and inspired your appetite for spirited conversation and satisfied your hunger for intellect; in serious as well as parody format...

Bongiorno Blast of Gas; The Madoff Story Moves Along

Posted on May 01, 2010
Mo- The f--king reporters are calling non-stop again! Has that shit-for-brains prosecutor called you lately?? The schmuck news reporters are saying that "more arrests are imminent.." What does imminent mean??  And, why the hell can't they just drop this, and go after those bastards from Goldman?? What? I've got one f--king Bentley; you know how many Bentley's those people have?? Must be hundreds!! Listen, I'm not feeling so good lately, and Rudy can't travel...

#Madoff Crisis Manager Explains The Markets to Congress

Posted on April 28, 2010
To: L.Blankfein From: George Sard As you are aware, our firm has done a superb job of representing the Madoff boys, and for making sure that their story is told properly, and for addressing the many misconceptions of their role at Bernie's firm. That said, after watching more than six hours of your traders and risk managers being grilled on Capitol Hill today, however great a job they did in trying to explain their roles at GS, its patently obvious that the only person missing from the Senate panel today was Joe McCarthy...

Madoff Shares Shorting Story: Goldman v. JPMorgan

Posted on April 27, 2010
From: lblankf@bell.blackberry.net To:jamie.dimon@chase.com I don't believe for a minute that you want to lend a hand. With less than five minutes before I appear on national TV, I know that you're really salivating.  Let me explain something, aside from the fact that we know how to manage crisis better than anyone...

Madoff Media Partners with HBO: SEX and the SEC

Posted on April 26, 2010
From: Renegade a/k/a POTUS To: Black Hawk CC: Fencing Master Rahm-JFC!! I just got a video tape of the trailers for a new HBO show, with your brother's name all over the opening credits!  Is he out of his mind?? Doesn't he know that he can't be producing shows like this?! An HBO ProductionIn Partnership With Madoff Media LLCExecutive ProducerAri Emanuel

Fornicating Fridays! Madoff Media on the SEC Mayhem..Ahem...and Amen its Friday!

Posted on April 24, 2010
Dear Mr. President: I too am aghast (with mouth wide-open) and find it hard to swallow this morning's news stories accusing my staffers of inappropriately surfing the internet for pornographic material. When you nominated me to sit on top of the SEC staff,  trust me when I tell you that I considered it to be a missionary position, and I've literally bent over backwards to rectalfy the misconceptions of the role that we play...

Scene 2..Action!

Posted on April 22, 2010
To: Harvey WeinsteinFrom: H. LutnickHarvey-The hoopla about Goldman is actually great for us; its distracting everyone, including the folks over at CFTC from worrying about the pending approval to trade futures contracts on box office receipts.Before CF can help you close the Miramax acquisition, our compliance people have expressed some concerns re: possible conflict issues that might come up later...

Madoff on Goldman Sachs Suit: Pinstripes Are Fine

Posted on April 19, 2010
While I'm neither fan nor foe of Goldman Sachs, the SEC lawsuit lodged this past Friday is laughable. Its patently obvious to anyone with 1 oz of gray matter in between their ears that this is a politically-motivated undertaking (can you spell O-b-a-m-a?) that is intended to appease Main Street, which is still reeling in a steep recession, while Wall Street is back racking in the big bucks...

From: Bernie,To: Blankfein. Madoff Memo For Friday

Posted on April 17, 2010
To: Lloyd BlankfeinFrom: BernieFYI- I spoke with Mary Shapiro this morning. She says she's profoundly sorry for the screw-up, and had no f--king idea about the charges announced this morning. She says that General Klotz has caused a massive military cluster-f--k in the place and one hand still doesn't have any idea what the other is doing...

Bernie and the Beards

Posted on April 12, 2010
From: Irving PicardFirst let me say--to Mr. Malkovich; I'm sorry that Being John Malkovich doesn't actually mean that you're entitled to treatment that's any different from anyone else when it comes to our processing claims.Its obvious that your lawyers don't "get it", or at least, they're certainly not going to get it from us...

Regards to our friends in Westport CT!

Posted on April 07, 2010
TO: Richard Blumenthal, Esq.Attorney General, State of CTDear Dick:This is a reprint from the Jan 1 2009 edition. I'd have thought you would have read in between the lines, but since you're just now beginning to take a hard look around Westport, consider this a courtesy re-posting...

Serving Time..and Madoff's Macaroons..Passing Thoughts on Passover

Posted on March 30, 2010
In celebration of Passover, we first ask, why is this day different from all others?Then, we remind everyone gathered at the table about the Evil Pharaoh, the terrible plagues that fell on the Egyptian people, and some other stuff.Why bore yourselves this year? Its the same story! So as long as you're reading the same story, we wanted to share our favorite Passover posts from the Madoff Channel...

Funny Friday at Madoff's

Posted on March 27, 2010

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