Law Humor

Hump Wednesday: Bernie Madoff Live from Butthole

Posted on March 25, 2010
To: IraFrom: BernieListen, I took a good read of the New York Law Journal while I was taking a shvitz in this tepee they've got set up in here, and Junior pointed out the story about Sholam Weiss's appeal for reducing his sentence. This is something you can look into...

Madoff: Bongiorno Back to School

Posted on March 24, 2010
Annette-I hope the weather in Boca is improving.We have a meeting with the AUSA next Monday.Make sure that you bring this book with you; it will support [your] contention that you weren't bribed by Bernie to do whatever it was they want to say that you did, but merely because you wanted to please him...

Monday With Madoff

Posted on March 23, 2010
Dear Barney: Exnay with the acronyms.. C.Dodd The Daily Show With Jon StewartMon - Thurs 11p / 10c In Dodd We Trust www.thedailyshow.com Daily Show Full EpisodesPolitical HumorHealth Care Reform

Madoff Market Reform According to Mary

Posted on March 19, 2010
To: Congressman Barney Fife (oops, Frank) From: Mary Shapiro, SEC Chairwoman RE: Madoff-driven Market Reform Dear Barney: After hearing about the comments you made on the Madoff blog, I'm compelled to inform you that we have formed numerous of our own internal committees to study and make recommendations about the issues you expressed concern over...

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Humping Day at Madoff-ville

Posted on March 18, 2010
Bernie, I know that your hemorrhoids are causing a pain, but you have no idea what I've been going through! Of all the times I go to visit Cynthia in Westport, the town gets hit with a Tsunami, I was almost killed by a falling tree, we've been without electricity since Saturday, and the defib's batteries ran out!! Do you have any idea the discomfort that I've been going through?? This is worse than Haiti!! And, poor dear Mark and his wife with the "new name", they're almost homeless! Greenwich was declared a disaster area!! Can you imagine??  Ruth Mom--its me, Andy...

Madoff Media Inc.: Split-Strike Strategy Goes Hollywood

Posted on March 11, 2010
To: Mark From: I'm Really Not Your Brother As much as I "get it" when it comes to Dad's OCD issues, and however much I appreciate the whole alcohol-free hand sanitizer story, your idea about "US Dept. of Soap.Inc" is as wild-eyed as that picture of you to the right, leading me to be that much more convinced that we don't come from the same egg...

Slip Sliding Along: Mark's Made Off With Another Great Idea!

Posted on March 09, 2010
http://www.SoapyUSA.com To: Andrew From: Mark After noticing that Dad's "story" inspired a new "International SIPC" website to phish out investor information  (I guess it was either created by a bunch of Nigerians, or maybe they're Russians, or more likely, a bunch of Eric's old friends from the SEC), I thought we'd do something more credible and restore our good names...

Dimes DiPascali: Dose of Sanity Please

Posted on March 07, 2010
Gov Patterson- time to bid a fond farewell?let?s hope that Richard Ravitch is physically strong enough to finish out the next 10 months, while all of us on Wall Street hope that young Mr. Cuomo can figure out how to appease New Yorkers that he?ll be vying for the Governorship, yet somehow remain an un-conflicted Attorney General in the interim...

Madoff Naming Rights: Plagarizing Claims Filed Next to SIPC Claims

Posted on February 25, 2010
To: Michelle Nichols Reuters "Staff Reporter" From: S.Morgan Excuse me, "dear"...I don't know what they taught you "down under", but not only have you violated my privacy, and put my children at risk, but you stole the story about my changing my name from of all places, Bernie's Blog?! And the joke's on you, you little plagiarizer, because Bernie's able to steal things while he's sitting in his Butt Hole--and he stole the story from some rag in Greenwich! So, little Lois Lane, your title indicates that you're a "staff reporter" at Reuters...

A Woman Scorned: Chaitman is Chaffed

Posted on February 25, 2010
 To: Steve  From: Bernie I know that you must have received my note last week--the one in reply to your asking for some investing advice (I can only guess that you must have bought puts like I told you!)... But when it comes to puts, you're a putz if you ignored my warning about "women scorned"...

Madoff Mania: Time for the Popcorn

Posted on February 25, 2010
   From: Jimmy Breslin To: Erin Arvedlund RE: Bonventre Sweet Erin- I might be getting a bit old for this stuff, but your proposal to collaborate on a  " The Gang That Couldn't Shoot Straight Meets The Keystone Kops" sounds wonderful, and I wouldn't be surprised at all if Bobby DeNiro wouldn't mind playing the part of Dimes DiPascali...

Another Sonny Day in Madoffville

Posted on February 23, 2010
To: "Mrs. P." From: Sonny Cohn President, Cohmad Securities I have no idea who you think you are, or what you think you're accomplishing, other than inviting a libel suit. I've talked to my friend Paulie K., and if he can sue Lucinda Franks, you can bet your last Bernie Dollar that I can sue you! Of course I recently transferred the title to my homes in Manhasset, East Hampton, and Fisher Island to my darling wife...

Madoff Closing Bell: Tweets from Preet

Posted on February 19, 2010
To: The Honorable Richard Sullivan US District Court From: Preet Bharara US Attorney, Southern District of New York As indicated in our letter to you in December, which has now fallen into the hands of muckrakers, allow me to re-iterate the extraordinary cooperation provide by Mr...

Madoff Mediations

Posted on February 18, 2010
From: Ezra Merkin To: Mr. Andrew Cuomo You might have won the battle, but given the company that you keep, don't bet on winning any wars. I have no doubt that the shvitzer father of that little pisher standing next to you put you up to this mishegas litigation in the first place...

Its All in the Release...

Posted on February 12, 2010
Baker Hostetler LLP Internal Memo To: Tom W. From: Irv P. The weather outside is 75 and sunny, thanks for asking. Speaking of Sonny, and the other Sonny..Golf swing improving..the pro showed me a new release form. Stop with the internal memos please...

Madoff Assets Freezing: Sponsored by SubZero

Posted on February 07, 2010
From: AndyTo: MarkDickhead; you're acting like a mental retard! I don't know why you're reaching for the Xanax again! The self-imposed asset freeze is meaningless, and its exactly what Stephanie's step-dad predicted.What a joke that Picard and the Feds never bothered to check out the charges on the Amex bills for all of those SubZero's from P...

Midas Madoff Brothers: Private Part Placement

Posted on February 05, 2010
To: MarkFrom: Your Brothercode name: BUM (Black Umbrella Man)Since I hear you're still doing the opposite of whatever Dad tells you, I know you must have gotten clobbered in the market today, so I'm going to give you one more chance at joining in with us...

Madoff Mania on Hump Day: Less Equity is Better Than No Equity

Posted on February 03, 2010
From: Irving Picard, Esq. TO: Re: Your Claim Status I'm aware of your frustration over not having received any payment with regard to the claim you submitted last January, and that you are troubled by the claim processing process...

More Madoff Libel Suits & Madoff's Ruby Tuesday Hearing: No More Rubies!

Posted on January 31, 2010
From: Paul Konigsberg, C.PA.To: KZK Productions, Inc.cc: Rupert Murdoch, News CorporationGentlemen:As pointed out by that inflammatory swine of a "blogger" who uses the nom de plume "Mrs. P", I hereby give you notice that by your using a look-a-like of myself in the current episodes of your TV series "Damages", and depicting this look-alike to be the central figure in a Madoff-esque Ponzi scheme, you have crossed the lines of libel and slander...

Madoff on Friday

Posted on January 29, 2010
To:BernieFrom: Paul K.I got a strange Hallmark card from your new friend "Junior".All I can say is that whatever you might have heard from your meshugenah son about seeing me having dinner with Irv Picard and Rich Zabel at Primola, don't believe it. What would I know about any "criminal investigation" into Peter?? And, as far as the Levy's are concerned, Konigsberg was replaced by another accounting firm...

Ruth: Singing in the Pain

Posted on January 27, 2010
To: DadFrom: AndrewDad-Mom apparently has a problem with her "net equity" and it seems that your pal Neil Diamond wrote this at her request. You might want to speak to your new friend "Junior" about this..

CNBC's Jane Wells Gets Waxed by Midas Madoff: Exclusive Interview

Posted on January 22, 2010
JW: Bernie-its been a while since we had a personal chat, and what with all of the crazy news stories lately, I thought this would be a great time to get your thoughts.BLM: Janey, sweetheart; other than my alcohol-free hand sanitizer, I've got nothing but time on my hands these days!JW: First; how are you feeling?BLM: Couldn't be better! I'm working out every day, I take a shvitz in that Indian tent twice a week, and the kosher meals they serve here are even better than the kreplach that Ruthie used to make!JW: Bernie, What do you think about yesterday's Supreme Court ruling that allows unlimited political campaign spending by corporations?BLM: I think its wonderful, if not a little too late...

Andy Lends a Hand

Posted on January 19, 2010
To: MarkFrom: AndyThis film trailer is exactly why your idea doesn't make sense, and why I've decided to go into a different line of work.By the way, you could use some good PR for a change--you should think about lending a hand to the people down in Haiti, and send them something that they really need.

Palin takes on Picard

Posted on January 13, 2010
To: Irv Picard, Esq.From: Sarah Palin,FOX NewsDear Irv:Try to look past those snowflakes on my photo; I'm still coordinating with the make-up people at FOX to get my image displayed properly.Any who, I have to say, the way that your office is hemming and hawing with all of the people that are expecting their claims to be paid is exactly the type of ineptitude that I campaigned against when John chose me to be his second-in-command...

Picard Picks on Pontificators: Journalist in the Cross Hairs

Posted on January 07, 2010
One of my favorites! Given how bored I am, I thought I'd republish it!BLMTo: E. ArvedlundFrom: I. Picard, Esq.Dear Ms. Arvedlund:You're a very pretty young lady, and I appreciate your sending me an autographed and free copy of your book.I'm also hoping that you have a good attorney...

Madoff 2009: Bernie's Band of Renown and New Year Resolutions

Posted on December 31, 2009
From: Ira Sorkin, Esq.To: Fans of Bernard Madoff et al.Aside from my coming up short on the retainer from my client, I've been given the dubious distinction of assembling and publishing a short list of New Year's resolutions submitted to Bernie by his family, friends, former employees, associates, and many others that have become affiliated with my client...

Betting on Bernie's Boys: A Madoff Monday

Posted on December 28, 2009
Dear Dad:After reading Andy's note to you, I'm now positive that I was the one that was adopted.For years, I figured the reason he was a little bit off was because the hospital didn't hand you and Mom the right kid after she gave birth.But, between what you pulled off, and the way Andy's been acting ever since--especially with his lunatic business ideas, and now his blogging about getting a gun carry permit (see below), its pretty obvious that he's really not my brother, you're really not my father--and Ruth--well, she couldn't possibly be my real mother...

Madoff Marksman

Posted on December 28, 2009
Dear Dad:You'll be happy to know that I've completed the anger management classes, and I'm not nearly as upset with you as I was a few months ago.Mom is going to tell you that I've also gotten a carry permit, and knowing her, she'll say something dumb about it--as if you could possibly ground me!Just so you know, the anger management issue and my wanting to keep a Glock in hand have nothing to do with each other...

Madoff Medical Alert: Nah!

Posted on December 23, 2009
To: Baby RuthFrom: JuniorBernie Boy is fine, and his new room includes TV, just like we asked for. His Christmas dinner is going to include a special Persico recipe--a noodle and ragu dish that's to die for.It helps to have some juice in here, and as your friends in the hand sanitizer business like to say "one hand washes the other...

The Madoff Morning Huddle Hosted by Harbeck

Posted on December 21, 2009
From: Steve HarbeckTo: Senator John McCaincc: Irv PicardDear Senator:Just to go on the record; your comment today re: the federal government's health care bill and reference to Bernard Madoff is creating a headache for us, as many are suggesting that our approach to managing the financial challenges with regard to insurance payments is no different than the way the current administration is attempting to deal with a completely un-related topic...

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