Law Humor

My Gas is Getting Worse!

Posted on July 09, 2009
You know, I'm getting fed up hearing about all of the ingrate kids running around.If I thought that maybe, for one second, Mark and Andy might have a legitimate reason to turn away from me, I might be able to understand. But, not only have they dissed me, they've treated their mother as if she were dead...

Girls Doing Lunch

Posted on July 09, 2009
To: ShanaFrom: LoriI'm only guessing that you still have the list of wedding gifts that you received, and that you'll recall how generous I was.After all, I selected from your Bergdof Bridal registry, and considering my government salary, well... I think you get the point...

Its a Sonny Day

Posted on July 05, 2009
Sure, while you're all baking in the sun, I'm getting blisters on my butt, but worse still, a bunch of you know-nothings are blistering my family.If Artie Nadel weren't shvitizing and whining like a stuck pig, I'd take the time to tell you what I really think, and who I really am...

Reminiscings from Ruth

Posted on July 03, 2009
If those Nazi bastards can storm troop their way into my home, lock me out, and steal everything, including my underwear, then I can use the photos that someone--whoever you are--stole from my home, and somehow sold to Getty Images.You probably don't even remember this photo, Andy...

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Mark's Messaging Campaign

Posted on July 01, 2009
To: Mark MadoffFrom: Erin ArvedlundI'm guessing that you already know who I am. Not because I'm the reporter that's famous for peering into windows in order to get a story (by the way, I really do love your place in Nantucket--but those boxers of your's need to go!)...

Trust Us on This

Posted on July 01, 2009
To: Lee RichardsFrom: Irv PicardRE: Sentencing Contest ClaimsLee-Let's not get into a pissing contest about who should oversee the claims that are pouring in re: the sentencing contest. Even if you think that I've got my hands full with the bankruptcy claims, I can handle this as well...

The Contest Results Are In!! Please Process..

Posted on June 30, 2009
To: Madoff Sentencing Lottery Deptcc: B. MadoffFrom: J. PicowerAndy- I'm guessing that you're the one that's tallying the votes for the contest, and I wanted to let you know that we submitted our entry this morning. Given the hundreds of account entries for this program, I'm sure it will be easy to back date accordingly...

NBC Scores Madoff Deal..

Posted on June 29, 2009
To: BernieFrom: BenBernie, baby!Listen, now that the votes are pouring in, its obvious that you're one popular guy, and the ratings are going through the roof!I even put down a $20 on 20!But, I know that you've got a lot on your mind and your practicing your lines, and that today is going to be hectic, but let's firm up a deal before breakfast New York time...

Last Chance To Vote

Posted on June 29, 2009
Yo, An-drew..See this wad in my hand?Its 9.05, and I'm putting ten large down on 20.If you short me when it comes to paying out, I'm going to give you a real life lesson in b-slapping.To my brothers--shift to the right and place a bet.50 cent

Post Sentencing Sentence from Judge Denny

Posted on June 29, 2009
To: DannyOwner, Sable'sFrom: DennyHonorable Cousin:Thank you so much for sending the nova and bagels this morning. The package was a true source of guidance and provided me the energy to make a difficult choice.To: David G.From: Judge DennyI must inform you that you cannot continue to represent to potential investors that you have the rights to produce my life story...

Ruth Votes on Bernie's Sentencing

Posted on June 26, 2009
Andrew-I don't think this was funny at all. When you told me that I had to "race out and vote" on your father's sentencing, of course I had to take the subway downtown; the traffic on 65 and Lex. was ridiculous and I told the driver to let me out.If I didn't know better, I'd say you planned the whole thing, just like your father, the "brilliant planner"...

Let The Sentencing Games Begin

Posted on June 25, 2009
As the real trader in the family, and for all of you option trading quants, algo alchemists, market-making mavens, and sentencing guideline guru?s, this is to let you know that we've teamed up with Finalternatives.com to invite you to take out your calculators and party in a prediction pool unlike any other...

Bernie's Best

Posted on June 25, 2009
To: IraFrom: RuthRE: RSVPIra, dear-I've decided not to attend the event on Monday; I simply have no interest in yet another media circus.But, I called David Neff at Trillion, and after I insisted that the outstanding bill could be satisfied by another mention on Bernie's Blog, and perhaps we'd give him a discount on ad space, he had Tanya pick out a lovely ensemble for Bernie...

Who Moved The Soap Before Sentencing??

Posted on June 24, 2009
To Dad:From: Andy Not sure if you saw this yet..Good work! Prisons Bar Alcohol Hand Sanitizers, Bernie Madoff Requests Soapopular?s Alcohol-Free, Fragrance Free New York, NY (AP)--While Correctional facilities in Canada and the US have prohibited alcohol-based hand sanitizers for several years, the Swine Flu crisis has spotlighted the issue throughout the North American prison industry...

Sentencing Stimulas

Posted on June 24, 2009
To: Tim GeithnerFrom: HarryTim:Thanks again for lunch last week, and for seeking my input.As I've stated before, the SEC's constipation is the root of the financial chaos that's resulted from Mr. Mad-off's misbehaving. Which explains why Herrick Feinstein has recruited me as an expert in their litigation...

If its Tuesday, it must be time for Ira. Or "Ike". Whatever.

Posted on June 23, 2009
Yes, this is Attorney Sorkin calling to speak with Mr. Madoff.Yes, I'll hold.Yes, I understand that he's a bit twitchy lately, and that he wants to get his Soapopular before he picks up the phone.Yes, Officer, I know that you're all very grateful that he provided several hundred cases to the Correctional Officer Canteen at a special discounted rate, so that you can all have a life time supply...

The Gang's All Here.

Posted on June 22, 2009
To: MarciaFrom: BobSweetheart, before you kvetch to your Dad again, keep in mind that you're the son that he never had.Well, sort of.In any case, this latest case is nothing to get yourself tied up about. Unless you're into that kind of stuff.Do I look upset? As Mikey Beans says, "This is easy peasy...

Yes I (Don't) See Said the SEC (Blind Man)

Posted on June 22, 2009
To: DadFrom: MarciaSince there's no way the SEC could have filed a complaint so quickly after spending less than an hour with "Uncle Bernie" last week, I'm telling you that your pal Sonny Delaire is behind this. How else do you explain the fact that his name isn't on SEC lawsuit that was just filed?And what about "sweet little Shana"?? Don't you realize what she's doing?? Dad, do I need to tell you everything??And that piece of crap Dipascali is sitting on his boat laughing at both of us right now!I suppose the only good news is that I moved the apt into E...

Father's Day Fricasee; Borowitz on Bernie

Posted on June 20, 2009
To: DadFrom: Mark and AndyRemember when this picture was taken? Wow. It seems like yesterday. Who could forget? Not Suzanne--she actually recovered the photo from a box in the basement, and she thought you'd like it as a Father's Day gift. Andy says that Debbie has her own copy of the same photo in a frame and that its hanging next to a framed copy of the title to her house...

Ruth..Losing Track of Days...But Still Driving The Train

Posted on June 18, 2009
Dear Diary,It was a year ago today that we were all together, enjoying the beautiful weather at The Beach. I remember that weekend as if it were yesterday.Shana brought over a design layout for her new house in East Hampton, and Mark was showing us the decorator's plan for his new house in Nantucket...

To: BernieFrom: David F.As much

Posted on June 17, 2009
To: BernieFrom: David F.As much as your 'boy' Frankie is hoping to stare me down so that I stay in line, the fact is my clock is ticking.Sure, we all know that the "pros" had a deadline of today to either shit or get off the pot, but as your "boy" Frankie has figured out, deadlines get pushed back...

General Kotz: My Hands Are Tied!

Posted on June 16, 2009
TO: B. FrankFrom: Gen. David Kotz,US Securities & ExchangeBarney:As you know, I'm a General. That means that I only take orders from my commanding officer, and right now, it doesn't appear that my commanding officer is on Capitol Hill.Though I greatly appreciate the support that you've provided, I'm getting a lot of flak from people that expect me to be providing reports in triplicate...

Can You Complete A Sentence, Please?

Posted on June 16, 2009
To: The Honorable D.ChinUS Federal CourtSouthern DistrictFrom: M. MadoffRE: SentencingDear Judge Chin:On behalf of myself and brother, I know that you've been inundated with letters and videos from people that want to impress you with their misfortunes in the course of your determining a jail sentence on my Dad...

Ruth's Sunday Puzzle

Posted on June 14, 2009
Dear Diary,I'm depressed this weekend.It's lonely. Maybe I should get a puppy or a pussy cat. Then again, I hate cats. So does Bernie.Summer in New York is a horrible time, and it's hot and boring.I wish I were in the Hamptons, but so do a lot of other people, and they appear to survive...

Picard Commissions: Eat What You Kill

Posted on June 12, 2009
To: Lawrence Velvel, Esq.Dean,Massachussets School of LawFrom: Irv Picard, Esq.Dean, Madoff BankruptcyDear Larry:I read with great interest the most recent pontification on your blog, and your concerns about the compensation that I will be receiving in connection with the thankless job that I have been given...

Girls Do Lunch

Posted on June 12, 2009
To: ShanaFrom: Aunt Ruth Darling Girl, How I have longed to hear from you during this terrible period we all have been through. You know you were always my spiritual " daughter" more than my niece. My daughters-in-law ( well only the one now,) were never exactly, you know, my type...

Good Will Branding

Posted on June 11, 2009
Dear Auntie Ruth:I realize that its been some time since we had dinner, but I wanted to let you know that you're not missing a thing out here in E.Hampton.The weather has been for shit for the last week; the only good part is that none of those media people have been snooping around, and I'm finally getting a chance to relax and connect with friends...

Over The Hump

Posted on June 10, 2009
To: DadFrom: Mark (your Son!)After Shana's husband emailed me and said that his friends at SEC have been sitting on the edge of their seats for the past two days waiting for a fresh blog, it would seem that Nan is falling behind on making sure that your "statements" get sent out properly...

Obama's Choice for Supreme Court..

Posted on June 08, 2009
From: Barry Lax, Esq.To: The Honorable Burt LiflandUS Bankruptcy CourtSouthern DistrictYour Honor:Some less informed people would like to believe that certain plantiff lawyers are in the practice of suing ham sandwiches. This is not the case in this case...

Another PR Predicament

Posted on June 06, 2009
To: Mark Madoff From: George Sard Sard Verbinnen & Co. Mark: I think its time that we had a meeting of the minds. That necessarily means that you should leave Andy at home. We've done a good job so far by keeping our relationship under the radar screen; and if people want to think that Eric Starkman is whispering in your ear, so be it...

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