Law Humor

Morton's Madoff Auction. All For a Great Cause!

Posted on June 05, 2009
To Mom:From: AndyRE: Morton's Gift CertificateCathy reminded me that I forgot to thank you for the birthday present. Who wouldn't want a $250 Gift Certificate to Morton's??I didn't mention anything before only because I figured that your phones were tapped by those idiots, and I was actually worried about someone finding out, and then Picard trying to claw it back...

All Tied Up In a Bow

Posted on June 05, 2009
To: AndyFrom: Frank D.I don't want you to start crying, but your Daddy might want to add this photo to his pin-up collection. This is the one that I had actually found taped to the wall in the executive washroom on 17, and I took the liberty of decorating my boat with it...

Madoff Mailbag

Posted on June 03, 2009
From: Judge Denny ChinTo: All my wonderful friends.Including my cousins, and the other boys over at Sable's!I just wanted to let everyone know that I've only received 3 victim impact statements to-date, and it's imperative that anyone that thinks they have a sad story to tell, send them in by 6/10...

How Many Days Left?

Posted on June 03, 2009
From : Andy's Dad To: Cathy Hooper Sweetie- Thanks much for the pin-up photo! Its a big hit here at MCC, although this cry baby Art Nadel starts to drool every time he walks by and looks into your photo on my wall. Speaking of cry babies, tell my son that he should only be so thoughtful!! Come, tell me what's new, and you can sit on my lap when you visit! I'll tell you all kinds of stories about how to catch the really big fish, not the little pishes...

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Moving is a Bitch

Posted on June 01, 2009
To: I. Sorkin, Esq.From: Herb Hoelter, Esq.Thanks for facilitating the deposit check. Was that Ruth's signature in liptstick?As you know, the sentencing process can be tricky, and as much as your client's feeder funds took pride in making guarantees, there are no guarantees when it comes to the facility that Bernie might get remanded to...

Who Has Bernie's Balls??!!

Posted on May 30, 2009
Peter Dear,Thank you for getting Bernie's clubs.What he thinks he is going to do with them, I can't imagine. Although the "new place" supposedly has golf..and tennis! Just as long as Ike remembers not to put his first choice at the top of the list..big mistake...

Bernie's Balls

Posted on May 30, 2009
To: BernieFrom: PeteI did what Ruth asked, and I drove over to Fresh Meadows to try to get your clubs out of the locker room, but some stupid prick insisted that unless I bought a bunch of those ridiculous golf balls, they wouldn't let me take the clubs...

Mid Day With Bernie..Handsome and Handy!

Posted on May 28, 2009
So, once again, everyone's been sitting on the edge of their seats waiting for my next update.I'd have posted yesterday, but they put this nut job Art Nadel in the cell next to mine, and he's been whining and crying so much lately, I can barely concentrate...

Say Nothing When You Have Nothing To Say..

Posted on May 26, 2009
To: BernieFrom: Paul K.I'm a big believer in "when you don't have anything to say, don't say it.." Which explains my relative lack of silence. With the exception of the lawsuit that we're filing against Morgenthau's wife.Instead, I just wanted to drop you a line and advise that all is well...

Ruthie on a Roll!

Posted on May 24, 2009
Dear Diary,Dr. Friedman ( the Shrink for Talking- not the Shrink for Meds, or the New Shrink for Family Relationships),thinks I need to have more structure to my days, plus he thinks I need to make some money.I've never done that before, except for investing Mommy and Daddy's money, but I've always loved a challenge...

Musings from One Marc to Another

Posted on May 24, 2009
To Mark MadoffFrom: Marc PeyserSenior Editor, NewsweekMark-I don't know you, and from everything that I've read, I don't think that I want to know you.I've heard you've been doing plenty of whining lately, and that you've been spending most of your time feeling sorry for yourself...

Bernie's Memories on Memorial Weekend

Posted on May 23, 2009
I might not remember why I decided to pay Frankie DiPascali $3million a year--or why I took Sonny Delaire with me on that trip to Switzerland, or even what we gave to Shana and her shagetz husband from the SEC for their wedding gift...but I do remember asking Janey Wells if she could get me a clip of this...

A Solution is At Hand!

Posted on May 21, 2009
To:The Honorable Burton LiflandBankruptcy Court,Southern District of New Yorkcc:Irving Picard, Esq.From: Andrew Levander, Esq.cc: M. Tannenbaum, Esq.cc: P. Konigsbergcc: S. Twardy, Esq.cc: W. Zabel, Esq.cc: E. Licker, Esq.RE: Relief to Madoff Victims / Solution At HandGentlemen:This is to advise you that I've been appointed spokesperson for a consortium of "ham sandwich servers" representing various parties that have found themselves improperly maligned, despite having lost considerable sums of investor and personal money...

Diamonds in The Rough

Posted on May 21, 2009
To: Stacey GiuliantiFrom: John StaffordCEO, Stafford Diamonds Inc.cc: B. MadoffStacey:If you don't know who I am--I'm the go-to guy in the diamond business, and while I've been hearing about all of the people down in Florida that are allowing themselves to be ripped off by unsavory jewelry dealers, even after their debacle with Bernie's firm, I just read about your coup and all I can say is : Kudos...

Franks, Beans, and Suing Ham Sandwiches

Posted on May 20, 2009
To :Mikey Beans- From: Bernie Hey--for a guy that says "Easy Peasy"..me calling you "Mikey Beans", the name we used back in the old days-- isn't such a big deal. Beans, Bee-enes--...whatever.. So, I'm thinking..what with all of these ham sandwiches so busy suing the other ham sandwiches, and Tannenbaum's shop getting more profits from their criminal defense practice than their corporate law group--all thanks to some of the other fellas---well, I'm thinking about Frank and Beans--the friends that I started out with from the very beginning...

Birthday Greetings from the Boys

Posted on May 18, 2009
Mom-Far be it from me to have forgotten your birthday!Dad always insisted that we focus on catching whales, but since Abel Automatics only makes fly fishing gear, and Urban Anglers doesn't sell the kind of bait that would attract woppers like the Merkin Marauder, the best I could do under the circumstances was the beauty in the photo to the right...

Bernie: Its MY birthday! And I'll cry if I want to!

Posted on May 18, 2009
Dear Diary,I guess it's YOUR birthday too, because I've been keeping my diary since I met Bernie over 50 years ago. He was magical then. After the first few years, he was manageable, then malleable. Then he became incorrigible...

Birthday Wishes To Ruth From Bernie

Posted on May 18, 2009
Ruth darling-It seems like yesterday, when you were my sweet underage sweetheart. I even remember the first birthday present that I got for you. Who would have thought it would have grown in value so much! We've had so many great birthdays together, and a few sad ones--but you should celebrate every day like its your birthday--just like always!That nice boy Abby--the shvartza pirate from Somali--and a few others here were kind enough to make a cake for you...

Let them eat cake!

Posted on May 18, 2009
To: Irving PicardFrom: Carl ShapiroDear Irv:I might be 95 years old, but I can still read!!I can't speak for Jeff Picower or Stanley Chais, but your accusations are nothing short of mind-boggling, even if my mind isn't as sharp as it used to be.When I ask for extra mustard on a pastrami sandwich, is this a crime?? When I tell my tailor to put in a special pocket on my trousers, is this a crime? Of course not!But, does this look like the face of someone that would tell his investment manager what kind of returns should be displayed on my personal statements??And if I was as smart as you claim I am, and if I had known that Bernie was up to no good, why would I have sent him a check for $250 million just two weeks before he shit the bed???Here's what I'm thinking: all of those resources that the government has to investigate might be better used to figure out whether those SEC investigators were using inside information to trade for their personal accounts!! Or instead of chasing after Chais, me, and a few other people that get the "over 80 discount" when we go to the movies, maybe someone should be chasing after all of that FART money that went up in smoke!!!!Listen Irv--I might be an "old cocker", but I've given more money to charitable causes and needy people than anybody else in the world--except for maybe Bill Gates...

Madoff Family Returns..

Posted on May 15, 2009
To: Irving PicardFrom: Mark MadoffRE: Your LetterIrv-In reply to your recent letters to various members of my family--the one where you requested that we each chip in and send some money back--I can only respectfully suggest that request is a waste of time...

Bernie's Billionaire Buddies Speak Out

Posted on May 14, 2009
To: BernieFrom Jeff & Barbara PicowerFirst-we both want to say that Eleanor, Frankie D. , JoAnne and your other staff have always been very accomodating anytime we ever needed anything.Moving around billions of dollars is complicated business-and thank God that Paul provided some good advice along the way...

Don't Ask Don't Tell and Don't Watch

Posted on May 12, 2009
Sure, you all came by yesterday to visit me and what happened? Did I disappoint you people at "SEC"?? Or my favorite fans at Stone Point??So what can I say, but I'm sorry..I was too busy sending out account statements for the Soapopular stock purchases!!Well, like I always say--forgive and forget the disappointments...

Bernie's Babes and Bobbles

Posted on May 12, 2009
To: BernieFrom: EnricaWhy everyone is suddenly asking who I am, considering you've been "kind" enough to have mentioned me for months on your stupid blog is beyond me.No, I'm not about to sell my story to VF like Elly did...its not like I forgot how to sign checks, and its not like those morons from the SEC got hold of all the check books...

Happy Mother's Day From The Madoff's

Posted on May 09, 2009
From: Shana MadoffOn behalf of the entire Madoff family, I've been asked to extend a personal greeting to all of you Mothers that are following our saga.These are difficult times for us all, and thank God that Mr. Picard has finally figured out how hard it is on many of us, and allowing some of us to submit hardship claims to his office so that our checks can be rushed out to us...

Enough is Not Enough!!

Posted on May 08, 2009
To: BernieFrom: EzraFirst, I need you stop calling Irving Picard a "nose picker". I've got enough tsuris with this kid Cuomo.All your nutty blog postings have put a magnifying glass on me, and now people are saying I look like the goniff to the left...

Bernie's Breaking Balls

Posted on May 07, 2009
This is like last f--king October, when the market was crashing and the phones were ringing off the hook with everyone wanting to know if their money was safe with us...and now everyone's coming to see what I have to say about the clip below and that crazy memo from that guy Mike Slattery to Irving the Nose Picker Picard...

Madoff Stress Tests

Posted on May 06, 2009
From: 50centTo: My White Boy, AndyMy money's on you bro'--well, what I mean to say is, I'm looking for my money from you, bro. And I'm thinking its on you. Maybe in your crib, maybe in your "beemer"...But now I'm looking to you to square things up...

Weekened With (out) Bernie

Posted on May 02, 2009
To: AndyFrom: Your FatherI might have missed something, but Ira told me that your brother told him that Starkman made it clear to everyone that you kids need to keep a low profile, and I thought it was understood that the b-slapping bullshit would come to an end!Here I am, turning down people that are demanding a piece of Soapopular's stock, and I hear that you're galavanting around the East Side at fancy restaurants and getting into a slapping contest with that kid Abend...

My Brother Bernie--Its About Time!!!

Posted on April 30, 2009
Bernie-Well, now you're an even bigger macha than you were yesterday. Time Magazine's Top 100 Most Famous. Just click on the link to see where you rank.Funny, right? You were so pissed off that you didn't make the cover years ago for "revolutionizing the world of stock trading", and now here you are, right next to Jamie Dimon...

Belated Best Birthday To Bernie

Posted on April 30, 2009
Bernie, You Adorable Little Belated Birthday Boy, How brave you are. Pretending that Abby Muse, the Somalian guy baked you that Martha Stewart level lady finger, whipped cream shortcake with perfectly placed fresh raspberries!. You SILLY! I really, really tried to get a cake sent over from Greenberg Desserts ( the dark chocolate with that fabulous frosting), but apparently sending cakes to, um, a House of Corrections, is an old joke of some kind...

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