Law Humor

Bernie's Belated Birthday

Posted on April 29, 2009
Sure..everyone came to my blog yesterday to wish me a happy birthday and was hoping to hear the day's latest update.So, for the muckrakers that didn't have their daily dose of tips so they can have something to write about, what can I say?How about FU?1...

Like Bernie Says: Keep Your Mouth Shut

Posted on April 28, 2009
To: Gary LewiRubenstein AssociatesFrom: Eric StarkmanStarkman & Co.RE: KonigsbergGary, Gary Gary-I feel like Ari Emanuel when I say, "anytime you're ready to jump ship, we've got a place for you.." But only if you follow our rules.First, you people are hired by the Noels to paint pictures, and because you had them yapping and putting themselves 'out there', they subsequently get hit with civil fraud charges...

Smart Steps for Sanitizing

Posted on April 27, 2009
I've always said "Money isn't everything; as long as you have your health, that's what counts."And what with this "Swine Flu", to those knuckleheads that are saying "use an alcohol-based hand sanitizer..", trust me when I say that they don't know what they're talking about...

Sunday Brunch with Bernie's oldest little Madoff

Posted on April 26, 2009
Dad, You are really all over the place trying to control us from YOUR CELL. Does it look like I'm in a place where I want to be controlled?? Between the control stuff, the twitching issues, and the OCD--Andy is calling it Over the Counter Disorder (did I tell you that he's now into comedy writing?), I'm thinking about not even going to your blog anymore...

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Toast, Rolls and Butter from Bernie

Posted on April 25, 2009
To Jim & NickFrom: BernieEven though I stopped drinking a long time ago, I suppose I should toast you for spending so much time on my blog while you gathered research material for your article. And I suppose I need to talk to Stanley Bing about pointing you to the blog...

Let's be Frank..

Posted on April 24, 2009
To: Irving PicardFrom: Alan NisselsonIrv:I've been on this file for less than a week, but I have to tell you, I've never seen such a cluster-f@#k in my entire career!We've got two different judges, God-knows how many clawyers, and how many lawsuits flying around faster than this new Avian Flu virus...

Bongriorno Mi Amore

Posted on April 23, 2009
Everybody's saying..."Bernie--tell me something that other people don't know. Well, if I did too much of that, then I'd not only f--k up the conversations with that kid Silverman, but I'd also be confusing the feds, and they're confused enough as it is...

The Real Deal..

Posted on April 23, 2009
Goddamn line in the library kept me standing around here for two hours! And God only knows what kind of germs are being left on the f--king computer keyboard...its disgusting! But anyway..Ruth: Remember when they were kids, and you took Mark and Andy shopping at the Elliot Shop on Miracle Mile for summer camp uniforms, and they were both crying and making a scene? And you said that you wanted to just leave them there...

Andy Analyzes.....

Posted on April 22, 2009
To: DadFrom: AndyYou're getting crazy??!!What do you think I've had to put up with?? Everybody's thinking I'm "insensitive" and "standoff-ish". And that "b-slapping" nonsense??Do you think its easy for any of us right now? Does that photo look like I'm partying my brains out??And Dad, unless you've made some kind of deal that wipes the slate clean on those loans that Mom made to Mark and me, no more references to "last spring"...

Musing about the new Muse..

Posted on April 22, 2009
You people are making me crazy. Ira-take a note; when it comes time for sentencing, and after you get the delays, you need to explain that I've been twitching like a fucking Energizer Bunny what with all of this mishegos.1. There's a kid named Abby Muse that just moved into the room next to mine...

911 From Dad

Posted on April 21, 2009
TO: MarkFrom: Dad.And don't say "Dad, Who??"I want you to go right over to your mother's house. You haven't seen her in a while, so I included the picture to the right to remind you.Do not stop for coffee or a spliff, and get her calmed down. Whatever it takes; Valium, Xanax, a double dose of both defibs, anything...

Madoff Mullls Media Marriage With Allen Stanford

Posted on April 21, 2009
To Bernard Madoff:From: Allen StanfordBernie-No thanks to you, and your loud mouth son, now my credit cards don't work either. Back in Feb, your smart ass son was credited with shining a spot light on me, and for the the past two months, the dickheads at SEC have been shining their little flashlights on everything and anything...

Ruth's Got A Buzz for Bernie!!

Posted on April 20, 2009
Sorry for reading your mail, darling.But. you know how much you've relied upon me to edit the stuff that comes in.I tried to make a 420 deadline on this message, but if those references that Silverman made had to do with the stuff that Jimmy Cayne stunk up our boat with, well...

Madoff Media LLC ...The Next Generation..

Posted on April 20, 2009
4.20 From: Ben Silverman Co-Chairman, NBC Entertainment To: Mark Madoff cc: Bernie Madoff RE: Proposals Gentlemen: The poetic irony of today's date shouldn't cause Andy to get the wrong idea when he's busy banging out story ideas, and if Don Trump's message to you over the weekend didn't strike a chord, you can see by the poster on the wall behind me, I'm serious about this...

It's a Sonny Weekend! Enjoy It..while you can..

Posted on April 19, 2009
To: Sonny Cohn, CEO Cohmad SecuritiesFrom: BernieSonny, stop with the shvitzing. And tell Marcia to strap some on and get tough.The sheister lawyer that's suing Delaire is wasting everyone's time. Trust me, that doctor is being taken for a ride by an ambulance chaser! Schulman is going to get more "satisfaction" if he were to just bend over and gives himself an enema...

Trump Offers A Hand to Madoff Family

Posted on April 18, 2009
To: Mark MadoffFrom: Donald Trumpcc: Ben Silverman, NBCMark:Ben Silverman over at NBC asked me to extend a hand to you, your lovely cousin Shana, and your pisher brother.Ben is a very dear friend, and he's very smart. He knows that if anybody knows anything about branding, its me...

Boggling, Just Totally Boggling!

Posted on April 17, 2009
Art Nadel and I were playing backgammon last night, and all we could say after sharing stories about how we wound up in this place is .."This is mind-boggling!"We didn't gab, but we did follow the rules of GABS--Generally Accepted Business Standards; just like the people over at Goldman did when they changed their year-end date and somehow, the $1billion hit they took in December didn't actually work into their latest earnings release...

A Little Birdie for Bernie

Posted on April 17, 2009
To: BernieFrom: SonnyWell, now you've gone and done it again. All you have to do is click on the damn photo to understand what I mean.You told me and Sonny Cohn that everything was always kosher!No, we didn't invest our 'commissions' with you, but what does that have to do with anything?? Neither did your friend Ezra, and neither did Walter Noel...

Kissing Cousins-To Shana

Posted on April 16, 2009
To: ShanaFrom: MarkLook into my eyes and tell me that you don't think I'm serious when I remind you what Starkman has told all of us--NO talking to anyone. I don't give a shit that your Dad's Aston-Martin just had one of those Denver Boots attached to it...

NBC Proposes Real Deal For Bernie & Co.

Posted on April 15, 2009
To: Shana Madoff, Esq.From: Ben SilvermanCo-Chairman, NBC Entertainmentcc: J.Zuckercc: E. StarkmanShana, Baby!I got your cell from Zucker, and he got it from Janey Wells, and she got it from...well, you can probably guess where. Anyway, if you don't know me, I'm the Czar here at NBC in charge of Reality TV, and I think we should be talking...

Girls Talking About Tips and Polking Around..Yes I See

Posted on April 15, 2009
To: Ms. Shana Madoff, Esq.From: Ms. Linda Thomsen, Esq.Partner, Davis PolkShana-I've been reading about all of the proposals that are coming in to you and the boys, and since we go way back, I just wanted to give you a tip (we know about tips, right?) and that I'm over at Davis Polk now...

Special Arrangements

Posted on April 14, 2009
To: PeterFrom: From Your Brother. You Know Who.RE: SeekingArrangement.comIt seems that every time I turn around in here, which isn't either safe or easy to do, I'm hearing about some other problem going on outside with the family.While Ira is busy trying to get special arrangements for everyone, Walter sent me a note telling me that not only is one of his daughters shopping for a "Sugar Daddy"on some crazy on-line site, but that he found YOUR f--king profile on her laptop!!!What could you possibly be thinking??? Just because the asset freeze was lifted, you really think its a good idea to be trolling around on the internet and trying to snatch some snatch?? And, of all people to hook up with!!?? Christ almighty--with the money that family made from us, these kids need you, of all people, to be a "sugar daddy"??This is something I'd have expected from Andy--maybe even Mark, but not you!Oy...

Warming Up..Just Like Bernie Said It Would..

Posted on April 13, 2009
What every one has been shvitzing about it is beyond me. Those meshugenah judges in CT racing around with their freezing this and freezing that--well, like I said, no legal argument to support that stupid idea, so the freeze was thawed out two hours ago...

Bernie Back On Base..Its All About The Brand!

Posted on April 13, 2009
OK-So now everyone's heard that Madoff's Mets tickets scored a home run on the electronic auction; $500 face value seats went for $3750 each!Who do you think told Nose Picker Picard to put the tix on eBay?? That was MY idea. After all, I'm the f--king former Chairman of NASDAQ, and if anybody knows how to get something to trade up on a screen, its me...

Feeding On Bankruptcy

Posted on April 11, 2009
By Order of The United States Bankruptcy Court Southern District April 11, 2009 It is hereby ordered that any proceeds from Easter Egg Hunts sponsored or promoted by any feeders, frivolous agents, enablers or associates of those that may have received as much as $1 Billion in fees relating to investments in Bernard Madoff Investment Securities shall be subject to forfeiture...

Bernie's Advice For Easter Egg Hunts

Posted on April 10, 2009
Ok, so its Easter-- and, as Walter Noel always told me, the goyim love doing their little Easter Egg Hunts.And one thing that Ezra had always reminded me is that eggs, by themselves, are completely kosher.So a few years ago, I had one of my Madoff Midas great ideas...

Bernie's Easter Egg

Posted on April 10, 2009
What? You think I don't appreciate that today is Good Friday and that Easter is this Sunday??Who do you think had to explain to Walter Noel and his family that Jesus was a Jew??Oy.. I'm thinking today should be a day of rest for all of the feds that have been busy coming in, so I'm going to be busy on eBay trying to the get the Mets tickets back...

Bernie Burps Back

Posted on April 09, 2009
From: Inmate #61727-054:To: Mrs. Ruth Madoff,I must tell the whole world how proud I am of you for going to Ezra's last night.Too bad you couldn't fit one those Rothko's in one your Birkins! They should be honored that you're still socializing with them considering...

Madoff Family Victimized

Posted on April 09, 2009
From: AndyTo: DadThe Seder dinner at Ezra's was a joke. Since I was the youngest, it was me that searched for the matzoh, and what do I get?? A copy of Ezra's BMIS brokerage statement with a f--king measly $2 milllion balance, along with a note that says "Call Jodi if you want to withdraw...

I'm Shedding Some Light...

Posted on April 08, 2009
Between all of the crap that's gone on the past few days, its time for me to shed some light.For you goyim that didn't know it, today isn't just the first day of Passover--you know--the holiday where all of your houses get hit by a plague for the sins you made by bashing the Hebrew people-- today is a day that happens only once every 28 years...

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